New York City -- Furious felines mobbed Grand Central Station last night as Felix the Cat led them in a protest against the creation of so-called "hypoallergenic" cats. The outraged Felix, looking quite spiffy in a new designer plaid vest, announced to the crowd, "Why should we cats change our make-up, just to please humans? Who cares about their scratchy throats, hives and sneezes? It's not our problem."
Felix explained that Allerca, a San Diego company, is taking orders for allergy-free cats to be delivered next year. He said that this company, in its attempts to genetically engineer a low-allergy cat, happened by accident to find animals that were NATURALLY allergy-free. Felix doesn't find this "natural" method of breeding as appalling as actually using genetic engineering to create low-allergy and allergy-free cats. He urged the crowd, "Tell them to keep their big fat paws off our genes; we cats like our genes just the way they are."
A few kittens in the crowd took catnaps during Felix's speech; but on the whole, the cats were quite attentive. They meowed loudly in agreement when Felix questioned why breeding programs were concentrating on cats and molding THEM to fit the needs of humans. "Why not start with the human species?" he suggested. "You know, breed owners who know how to provide kinder, gentler treatment for cats. That's the way to go."
Most of the human commuters were quite sympathetic, cheering on Felix as he spoke. There were a few hecklers, but they were quickly "run out of Dodge." Well, sort of. Here's what happened. Hearing complaints against their beloved Felix, some of the feline protesters turned into catzillas -- hissing, spitting, and baring their teeth at the anti-Felix hecklers. With liberal use of their claws, some of the cats even made attack moves, chasing after the human "offenders." The frightened commuter hecklers ran for cover and then in desperation jumped on ANY train (no matter the destination!) leaving immediately from Grand Central, so that they could escape the wrath of the furious felines. Mission accomplished! The whole charade gave the cats lots of laughs, thinking of the hapless commuters ending up at destinations quite far from where they had planned. They'd be traveling long into the night -- a fate the catzillas felt these rude humans deserved!
Present in the crowd were representatives from the Kimberly-Clark Corporation. They provided support for Felix's position by handing out pocket-sized packages of Kleenex. Also protecting their turf were Pfizer Inc. representatives, who distributed free samples of Benadryl.
Felix's speech ended on a positive note. He invited everyone in the crowd to participate in snacks: people-shaped cookies for the cats and cat-shaped cookies for the humans. Tails were wagging and hands were clapping as Felix shouted, "Power to the cats." He sent the crowd on its way with this quote from Ellen Perry Berkeley: "As every cat owner knows, nobody owns a cat."