Written by Crispy Peaburger
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Topics: Star Wars

Tuesday, 20 August 2013

image for Star Wars Episode VII: Leaked Plot Points Hit The Internet.
Jar Jar Binks - Plot points state he is to become a Jedi Knight.

George Lucas and head of Disney, Wallace Gromit, are said to be in talks today after top secret plot points for the new Star Wars movie "Episode VII: The Revenge Of The Endoscopy" somehow found their way on to top internet discussion forum "fat40andsittingathomeinourunderwear.com".

The user known only as "Egg On My Vest" posted the spoilers late last night under the heading "TISSUES AT THE READY!!"

Before they were taken down by site staff this reporter managed to grab the following exclusives:

1: Jar Jar Binks will make his return as a Jedi Knight only to be stripped of his title after he is found to be in possession of Jawa Porn.

2: Yoda reveals himself to be Luke and Leia's true father after he impregnated Queen Amaidammalammadingdong during a steamy tryst behind the speeder sheds.

3: Darth Vader will return from beyond the grave having had his chronic asthma cured.

4: Han Solo and Princess Leia will have a child called Jayden Supdulika who shuns the Jedi ways in favour of a more conventional Mormon lifestyle.

5: C3P0 finally comes out of the closet making him the first Robo-sexual in the galaxy much to the frustration of R2D2 who has kept their secret for years.

and finally, possibly the biggest shock of all, are the names of stars currently being courted for roles in the upcoming movie. These include;

Rowan Atkinson - set to play a bumbling creature called Beanica Shufflebottom.

Jeremy Clarkson - playing Cleeshayed Ignoratus the father of Chewbacca.

Peter Kay - possibly a tree.

The Milky Bar Kid - young Luke.

Denis Rodman - although there is no character name attached to his entry there is a note that simply reads "No Make-up Needed!"

It also seems Star Wars creator Lucas is to play a store owner who makes billions from creating little plastic sculptures and selling them at high prices to over-weight individuals who still live with their parents.

Whether these spoilers are true or not remains to be seen but director JJ Abumbe had this to say:

"These so-called spoilers are nothing but a work of fiction and by that I mean they are true. Or do I mean they are not true? Even I don't know. I'm still confused by Lost. Can somebody get my nurse please I need my nappy changing. Oooo look a Polar Bear."

Strong words indeed...

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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