Written by Samuel Vargo
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Thursday, 18 July 2013

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Johnny Depp and Honey Boo Boo are the stars of a new movie scheduled to hit theaters this fall. Searching Transylvania to Find Eddie Guest is a rambling adventure in which Johnny Depp plays American folklore legend Daniel Boone and Honey Boo Boo plays Native American explorer Pocahontas.

The movie script was taken from a self-published novel on smishsmash which has only recorded sales of $14.25 during the last five years.

"I was originally cast as Pocahontas and Honey Boo Boo was cast as Daniel Boone," Depp said. "But there was so much furor generated from me playing Tonto in The Lone Ranger that I told Steven Spielberg that I'd take the part only if our roles were switched."

"I've been a secret fan of Here Comes Honey Boo Boo for a little while. I must say, she's a very interesting little girl and she played the part of Pocahontas well. But her thick Georgia accent and Appalachian-clich├ęd vernacular required subtitles to be used for her dialogue throughout the movie. Usually such subtitling is reserved for foreign films," Depp said.

In the film, Daniel Boone and Pocahontas are on a canoeing adventure up and down the Danube River in Romania. They are on a mission to free Edgar Albert Guest, "The People's Poet," after he's taken hostage by Vlad the Impaler, the original Count Dracula. They encounter a plethora of werewolves, vampires, zombies, along with cowboys and Indians.

Even today, the original Dracula, Vlad the Impaler, is beloved and renowned by his countrymen for keeping his nation free of outside conquerors during the mid-15th Century. But he was a diabolical and savage torturer.

A star-studded cast of Hollywood A-Listers join Depp and Boo Boo. Other leading roles include Samuel L. Jackson as Eddie Guest while Billy Bob Thornton is cast as Vlad the Impaler.

Martial Arts Extraordinaire Jackie Chan has a minor role in the film, playing George Washington; while Jennifer Aniston plays Barbara Bush. Chan and Aniston share a poignant scene in which they do the fox trot in Dracula's castle. George Washington was known in his time as a great dancer and Barbara Bush was one of the most beloved of First Ladies. This scene is sure to bring a tear to the eyes of the romantically sensitive. Patriotic moviegoers will get a thrill watching this dance scene.

"Dancing with the Stars is so popular that Spielberg decided to throw this in; although it isn't part of the novel, it's a very moving scene. Chan was chosen because of his agility. If he can do those complex martial arts forms, a fox trot certainly turned out to be a breeze for him," Depp said.

Other Hollywood notables include Jon Lovitz, who plays famed whodunit master Agatha Christie; Sharon Osbourne, who plays British philosopher/novelist Iris Murdoch; Jim Carrey, cast as poet Langston Hughes; Lady Gaga, playing Pulitzer Prize winning writer Toni Morrison; Dan Aykroyd and Chevy Chase, cast as the Wright brothers; Brad Pitt, who plays Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.; Edie Falco, who plays Tennessee Williams; Morgan Freeman, playing Geoffrey Chaucer; David Spade, cast as William Shakespeare; and Oprah Winfrey plays herself.

"All these figures lived in different time periods. Most are cast by actors of another race or even another sex, with the exception of Oprah, who plays herself. This makes no sense. Vonnegut, Williams, Chaucer, Shakespeare, Murdoch, Morrison, Hughes, and Christie get together with Daniel Boone and Pocahontas somewhere at a bend in the Danube in the Transylvania Black Forest. These writers join the mission to free Eddie Guest from Dracula's dark castle. I doubt if any of these writers would care much about Eddie Guest," film reviewer Donald Greenspoon writes in Hollywood Hell, a publication that only reviews the worst movies produced today.

"Sure, Edgar Albert Guest wrote some nice greeting card poetry, but come on, Shakespeare and Chaucer on a dangerous adventure to free Eddie? They were the best poets who ever lived! Eddie Guest is definitely considered one of the worst! Shakespeare and Chaucer would probably say Eddie got what he deserved for writing such hideous poetry. Hughes and Morrison would probably agree. Just let him rot in that horrible castle - you know how mean spirited and vindictive writers are."

"And what's Oprah doing in this film? She's trying to get all these great writers to be part of her televised book club. It's absolutely ridiculous, " Greenspoon writes.

In a comic scene about three-quarters of the way into the movie, the Wright brothers operate a drone to bomb the dreary dark castle. Somehow the drone gets its electronic wires corrupted and it winds up attacking the Wright brothers instead. Without using spoilers, the slapstick hilarious actions of Aykroyd and Chase add much levity to this otherwise 2-1/2 hour yawner.

The film's screenplay follows pretty closely to The Kidnapping and Rescue of Eddie Guest, a speculative fiction flop that on a good day has a sales ranking topping out at more than 1.4 million on Amazon's website. The author of the book, who published it using the pen name I DON'T WANT MY NAME ON THIS BOOK made an estimated $4.5 million through the movie deal.

Expect to see Searching Transylvania to Find Eddie Guest in theaters around Halloween. It has some very scary parts and fits well into the horror genre. Billy Bob Thornton casts an evil character, particularly when he attacks Chaucer and Shakespeare inside the castle's pantry, attempts to impale them on long sticks, and then throws them into the moat.

"It's not a film for the meek or punchy," Depp said. "Don't be surprised if you have a hard time sleeping after you see this thing."

"I don't know why I liked The Kidnapping and Rescue of Eddie Guest," Spielberg is quoted as saying in Hollywood Hell. "It seems there are far too many really terrible scripts emerging from Hollywood these days. It's almost as if producers and directors are expected to create really terrible movies. I wanted to find the most atrocious of fiction trainwrecks. After perusing smishsmash for the better part of last winter, I found an electronic version of this horrible mess or alphabet soup. I asked myself, 'Why not make this thing into a movie?' So I did."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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