DANBURY, CT -- American, songwriter, rapper, singer, producer, actress, and all-around good girl, Grammy Award-winning Lauryn Hill, 38, looked shocked as she turned herself into Connecticut authorities to begin a gruelling, three-month-long prison sentence for income tax evasion.
"I done been acting since I be two year old!" she cried.
"I be singing before I be born!" she shrieked.
"I be Blunted on Reality!," she pouted.
"I ain't on no welfare," she declared, "and I ain't on no housing subsistence, and I ain't on no damn food stamps, neither. I ain't no single mother, and I ain't even pregnant. I work hard for a living, and this the way they gone treat me, a proud, black, self-made woman?"
Her accountant claims the whole "nasty affair" is the result of a misunderstanding. "My client, Ms. Hill, didn't think African-Americans had to pay taxes anymore, now that there is a black president in the White House."
During her incarceration, Hill will have to work as a maid, a cook, or a landscaper, jobs, she says, which "be same as plantation workers had to do when my people was slaves."
"I be a chile of former slaves that had a whole system imposed on them," she argued in court, "a economic system! I done paid my dues to Mr. Charlie, and then some."
After she serves her time, Hill must also spend three months under house arrest.
"It be fuunny," Hill said, "how money change a situation."
After she is released, Hill vowed to get pregnant, have "about fifteen children," get food stamps, a housing allowance, free medical care "for my fam'ly," and "not do a damned thing but sit on my ass."