You've seen her carrying her kids around like a Heisman Trophy hopeful wields a football. You've heard her fake a British accent under her thick southern drawl while wearing a pink wig. You've seen her run over camera clickers while erratically driving her car. You've seen her arrogantly walk out of stores without paying for merchandise. You've seen her attacking a paparazzi's SUV with an umbrella. And you've seen her get so smashed out of her mind that she scalped herself like a Comanche brave who's about to go on the warpath.
Brit moments are like snowflakes. There are zillions upon zillions of them and none are exactly the same. Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus, and every one of us media-hungry freaks has a favorite "Brit" moment. My own personal fave: Brit's exit from a still-moving vehicle with her beaming privates shining through like crazy zany headlights on a screaming speed boat.
Those wild days of Britney Spears making the headline entertainment news seem to be gone for good, but what memories! Even satiric "fake" celebrity news couldn't hold a matchstick to Brit's ongoing lighthouse beam of real-life antics. Yes, in the last few years, Britney Spears has settled down and has become a model celebrity and a serious artist. She even said she intended to spend the rest of her life with fiancé Jason Trawick, but unfortunately, the relationship recently came to an end.
Hollywood's "Golden Child" - once the darling little teenybopper of all teenyboppers - was a celebrity train wreck only a few years ago. But Brit's got her act together these days. In 2012, she was a judge of the American version of the X Factor and Forbes named her music's top-earning woman, with remunerations of more than $58 million. Spears even became the youngest female artist to have five albums debut at number one, placing her in the Guinness Book of World Records.
But lately, the diva's gone off and has become amorously involved with a space creature.
"Forget those idiotic covers in the checkout stands, man, I mean this woman has found herself a spaceman who looks to be the Devil," said not-so-nice girlfriend Madonna.
"Every girl in this crazy flippin' industry wants a bad boy, but Brit's got herself a man that can shoot sulfuric acid out of his mouth," Madonna screamed in that crazy-voiced mirth that only seems to come from New York City's feistiest, most flirtatious of diva singers.
Not everyone thinks the singer's latest love interest is cute or funny, though. "I guess that's what happens after you go and sell a couple hundred million records," said estranged husband Kevin Federline. "You get big headed. No normal guy will do. You have to go out and get yourself some boyfriend from another galaxy."
Federline took a deep sigh, then continued, "She thinks he's real cute. But nobody knows my girl like I do. Can the cat sing? Can he dance? Can he play a banjo and a climb up a pole at the same time? I know that crazy woman is going to have him dancin' a jig while she's shooting a .357 Magnum at his feet. She's from Louisiana, ya'know. And you know how all those southern peaches can be. Yeah, she'll be laughing all the way to the blood bank."
K Fed, wearing a mobster's hat and looking very much like one of the Sopranos clan, added, "Nobody knows my girl like I do."
The paparazzi, meantime, are less likely to follow Ms. Spears up and down the jet-set streets of Hollywood these days. If and when she moves to Las Vegas, the same scenario is likely to prevail. Her newfound love interest has a sadistic and murderous way of dealing with anyone who crosses the same paths he and Britney are trudging.
According to police reports, some irritating intrusive paparazzi following the couple around lately was discovered last week in his car. He was decapitated, had all his limbs removed, and even had nasty little space insects crawling around him. A police officer fell ill and later died after being bitten by one of the extraterrestrial bugs
"They looked like they was pets for Freddy Krueger," said a paramedic who arrived on the scene about the same time as the ill-fated policemen. "They have nine or ten long legs, fifteen or sixteen long fangs, and a couple dozen long tubes that they shoot out this poison right into your eyes - the stuff's so strong it'll melt steel."
And what is the official name of Britney's new beau? Well, "It," fits, as well as "S-F Thriller Killer," "Sulfuric Acid Man" and "Munster Monster," "Dr. Jackal and Mr. Hyena," or "Franky Goya's Mobster Monster."
Even dating a space creature is better than the path the 31-year-old Spears was on in the mid-2000s. Then, the ever-death-defying Snoop Dogg even mentioned that he was concerned about the little bleach blonde's welfare. In early 2008, the Associated Press announced the formal write and edit of Britney Spears' obituary. Yes, the AP was ready to roll with it at any moment, but now that Britney's on a better course, the AP file has most likely been deleted. The AP admitted it frequently writes obits for celebs, but usually for only the very old and feeble, not for those who are still young..