Written by P Turton
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Topics: michael douglas

Tuesday, 4 June 2013

Grizzled former star Michael Douglas is the latest actor to jump on the celebrity illness bandwagon.

Following Angelina Jolie's revelations, a host of stars have shamelessly been using their illnesses for extra publicity.

Douglas, 68, recently overcame throat cancer and claims he developed it after catching the human papillomavirus, or HPV, from mouth sex.

It was initially suggested that Douglas's cancer was a result of years of heavy smoking and drinking, however the former star was adamant that he got it from kissing the naughty bits of ladies.

Whilst the virus is transmitted sexually, developing throat cancer from HPV is rare and doctors have speculated on just how much
mouth sex Douglas must have had.

Dr Hammond Lovejoy, a leading expert in his field said "In order to get HPV in his throat Douglas would have had to have mouthed a significant number of lady parts. I can only guess, but the number would equate to the population of a small country."

When told about the source of his illness Douglas reportedly muttered "What have you gotten me into this time Joan Wilder?" although it is not known at this point in what way the fictional character Joan Wilder is involved.

Douglas rose to fame through being the son of Hollywood legend Kirk Douglas, although is more recently known for marrying Marrietta from ITV's The Darling Buds of May, who is much younger than him and Welsh.

As a former sex addict Douglas would literally have sex with anyone, anywhere at any time and celebrity lifestyle expert Dirk Chapelle suggests that he may have had sex with one out of three American women over the age of fifty.

"Douglas burned through the female population of America throughout the 60s, 70s and 80s like a horny plague" said Chapelle.

In a bizarre twist Douglas also said that mouth sex is a cure for throat cancer, a claim that has puzzled doctors, with Dr Lovejoy stating, "No, that's not right at all, he's very much mistaken."

Catherine Beta Jones, the actors much younger wife, has declined to comment on her husband's sordid revelations and is thought to be hiding somewhere in Swansea.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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