Fanning the flames with gasoline, (crude selling at $60 a barrel) the Pope insisted his 799th apology was sufficient, adding a defiant, "So what?" He was trying to open a dialogue, and religious fanatics proclaimed a Jihad. They should start a jihad on poverty, hunger and global warming.
He also confessed to feeling like President Bush's October surprise; adding there was no truth to the rumor of a Vatican coup. At least none that he knew of....
Fearing a further deteriorating situation and knowing the huge value of a quick apology, actor Mel Gibson rang up the Pope saying: Life begins to get back to normal after the 800th apology. Cool it. No need to get ticked off or go into a Salman Rushdie hiding for a year; or make a tear brimming Janet Jackson wardrobe mal-function apology; and the Jimmy Swaggart thing is out of the question.
Gibson suggested his Holiness might take a page out of actor Hugh Grant's book and go on the Jay Leno television show; confess he didn't know what he was saying; roll his eyes around a couple of times; blink three times; throw in a stammer; tug at his hair; and all would be forgotten. No one remembered the Ms. Brown episode when Hugh Grant successfully portrayed a British Prime Minister in the Richard Curtis film, Love Actually.
Maybe writer/director Curtis might be interested in making a sequel to his Emmy award winning film, Girl In The Cafe. His sequel could be titled: Pope In The Cafe; German Pope In The Cafe; Youth Movement German Pope In The Cafe; Hitler Youth Movement German Pope In The Cafe Eating Fava Beans. Pass the Chianti.
"Jews wouldn't buy it."
"Whoops. Pardon me. Again. Number 967. I'm such a jerk. Okay. Lets see. Right. Locating proper financial resources to guarantee the production costs of this film project might prove challenging if not impossible."
A victory celebration was in progress at the White House; the list of October surprises growing daily. The Pope's jihad was considered a freebee, as was the Halloween Vatican coup; the Geneva Convention thing peaked too soon, but was still alive; the Hugo Chavez address at the United Nations was pure gold, calling Bush the devil made Bush a sympathetic figure, worth another 10 bucks for crude; and there was the constant threat of war by Iran going nuclear. No one even mentions the war in Iraq.
Sort of like, Four Weddings And A Funeral.