HOLLYWOOD, CA - Continuing to 'push the envelope' on defining personal beauty, actress and famed Third World adopt-a-holic Angelina Jolie recently confessed to Spoof Magazine that, in late 2012, she underwent a controversial 'double lobotomy.'
"I'd been plagued by lapses in common sense all my life," Jolie said, weeping, an angry Ethiopian child nursing unsuccessfully from her augmented breasts. "As you well know, I spent time romantically linked to Billy Bob Thornton, of all people. Plus, I played 'Tomb Raider.' And I frequently speak with President Obama. Half-a-brain is something I've just never had, so I decided to have the procedure to have the brain removed. Both of them."
Jolie arrived on the acting scene to great praise in the famed HBO movie, "Gaia," in which she handily portrayed a supermodel hell bent on seducing Zeus, the Greek God, but instead contracted AIDS and won an Emmy. Spoof reporters repeatedly tried correcting Jolie's version of events - telling her the HBO movie was actually titled and that Zeus is fictional - but she'd hear none of it. Instead, she passed us her Ethiopian child and took to playing with a Slinky.
"I believe it's a condition I inherited from my mother and father," Jolie explained. "You know my mother, don't you? Venus de Milo? And my father was a stick of hickory."