Written by Mr Anorchristic
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Sunday, 12 May 2013

image for It's Official. Dame Helen Mirren Loves Drumming and Drummers but Hates the Gay Parade
A Homosexual Person In Indignation Yesterday

Yesterday in Soho the organisers of Gay Pride held a small performance to advertise the up and coming Gay Pride Parade which will be held in London mid July this year. Using a drum band to create an audience with a loud beat, so that they could give Sohonians and Londoners a small taste on what to expect at the parade. Good taste quickly turned into bad taste, when BAFTA award winner Dame Helen Mirren who was starring in the hit play, 'The Audience' at the National decided to shit on everybody's parade by accosting the conductor and calling him a f*cking numpty.

The play gives a satirical slant on what Queenie might discuss with her various PM's (not to be confused with Post Menopause). For sixty years, Queenie has met each of her twelve Prime Ministers in a weekly audience at Buckingham Palace, a meeting like no other in British public life, as it is completely private. Both parties have an unspoken agreement never to repeat what is said, not even to their spouses, allegedly to keep the various Prime Ministers credibility as they would occasionally grovel on their knees and clean up corgi poo poo's.

Her Majesty Queenie was 'most amused' of Helen's honest portrayal of herself in the hit docu-movie, 'The Queen' that she made Helen a 'Dame' and gave her an OBE to boot and asked her if she would 'play double' and pretend to be her at the weekly audience as she found it 'most distressing'.

Dame Helen refused to comment but did release a press statement through a chap I bumped in to at the bus station, who said:

"I am truly sorry if I used colourful language in my request to the conductor to move on (fuck off I'm trying to run a show in there you wankers and I apologise deeply if I upset anybody (I couldn't give a flying fuck as I am a real fucking dame) so I would like to clear this misunderstanding up once and for all. I love homosexual people and do not have any kind of resentment towards the gay community (I hate you all really) but I do like drumming and drummers (I would rather listen to banging all day long as long as it's not from a bunch of dickheads enjoying themselves). "

'The Audience' is showing at the National Theater, Soho, till the end of this month. Please feel free to make as much noise as you want, but don't go banging in the middle of the auditorium...please use the car park opposite.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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