Written by E. Lee Zimmerman
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Monday, 6 May 2013

NEW YORK, NY - If you follow Gwyneth Paltrow's every waking moment as closely as we here at The Spoof do, then you'll know the 'Blonde Cougar' is certainly no stranger to controversy: last week, she grabbed international headlines by attending the premiere of Marvel Studios' IRON MAN 3 wearing absolutely no underwear at all while donning a sheer gown that left little to the imagination. This week, she's planning on putting her best Vidal Sassoon merkin in prime time when she makes another appearance on the popular program, GLEE, entirely in the buff.

"Well, you don't get as influential and successful as I am by wearing skivvies, that's for sure!" Paltrow piped in charmingly with a laugh in a recent telephone interview with The Spoof. "Underwear has long been a tool of the Bourgeoisie to hold down the masses. I don't allow anyone in my family to wear them, especially not my children."

While that might sound a bit far-fetched, fellow Soccer moms at the Proper Regents' Daycare and Edutorium in upstate New York can vouch firsthand for Paltrow's cutting insight. Regents' is where Paltrow's youngest - Abortafacia - attends Pre-K Studies, hoping for a degree in Celebrity Politics.

"I can't tell you the number of times little Abortie marched through the lunchroom with her entire basement on full display for the other children," said Marge Stanwyck, senior educator ages 36 - 39 months. "In fact, I don't think Gwyn's ever dropped her children off at our preschool with pants on. At first, we thought maybe they were just underprivileged. We didn't realize then that it wasn't a fad."

Long known for making fashion statements, Paltrow says that motion picture premieres aren't the only place she prefers to go commando.

"I'm always sans panties for church," she confesses. "Confession. Communion. You name it. You want to be right with your God? You don't cover up the holiest of holys. That's my first rule. Second, bicycling. We love to pump the pedals around the neighborhood, and there's nothing like the rustle of patent leather on your labia to lift a woman's spirits. Third, the casting couch. You want directors and producers to remember you, and that means leaving a lasting impression. Fourth? Well, that's easy. The produce section of any neighborhood produce market. How else can you judge freshness? Then - in fifth place - would be movie premieres. I just can't see bundling up the goods when the goods are all you've got, you know."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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