Written by E. Lee Zimmerman
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Thursday, 25 April 2013

LOS ANGELES, CA - Move over, Gwyneth Paltrow! The controversial "actress" and avowed herbivore was recently bestowed with the title of People Magazine's 'Most Attractive Woman' for 2013. Now, the magazine that defines the standards of the glamor life is gracing another trendsetter as a champion for the rest of us.

"The editors of People Magazine - as well as our sponsors at Time, Inc. - are proud to proclaim legendary Democrat Nancy Pelosi as the 'Ugliest Woman Alive' for 2013," said Tryscha Malfeasance, senior fashion reporter and Washington political correspondent.

Malfeasance says the competition in 2013 was increasingly stiff for the crone who ranks as the leading Democrat for the Democratic Party.

"With what Miley Cyrus had done to her hair, our executive panel was hard-pressed to come down in favor of the politician," she explains. "Not to mention how Michelle Obama set back hemlines by thinking she could simply re-introduce bangs into our national consciousness. Besides, the Democratic Party has a long, well-earned reputation for putting forth some of the ugliest females -- both physically and spiritually -- that we've ever been pleased to review. Jane Lynch is always a favorite, and, as usual, Adele was no slouch. But at the end of the day there's nothing like Nancy's lifeless, Botex-affected stare and her death-infused alabaster cheekbones to set the standard for dreadfulness in the year ahead."

Past recipients of 'Ugliest Woman Alive' include 2009's Whoopi Goldberg, 2010's Kelly Osbourne, and 2012's longtime favorite Steve Buscemi. 2012's winner - Joy Behar - has the singular distinction of winning the title via a write-in campaign by People subscribers from the island state of Puerto Rico. But Malfeasance thinks Pelosi natural, graceless 'ugly duckling' will go down in history books as ugliness personified.

"She's the only woman to make our finalist list since she entered the national debate decades ago, and that's nothing to turn your nose up at."

Winners to the title of 'Ugliest Woman' are awarded with a complimentary twelve-month subscription to People, Time Magazine, and all of their affiliated titles, as well as being given a twice-weekly makeover by Jerb Sashay's Spa & Splice, a national chain of relaxation and bargain plastic surgery outlets. Additionally, most past recipients have been asked to appear in a full pictorial photo-spread in Playboy's sister magazine, Stump.

Ms. Pelosi could not be reached for comment.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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