Written by Michael Balton
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Tuesday, 23 April 2013

image for Kim Jong-Un to Star on Celebrity Apprentice
How do you like your mushrooms?

Hollywood -- North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Un has signed up for a starring role on next season's Celebrity Apprentice series.

Slated to lead a team of contestants that will include Gary Busey and Dennis Rodman, Kim Jong-Un says his nation's development of nuclear weapons will be featured in the program.

"Mr. Trump might be able to say 'you're fired,' with a certain degree of credibility," Kim Jong-Un said through an interpreter. "But I will have the pleasure of telling my opponents 'you're fried,' then actually plunging them and their homelands into a nuclear inferno."

Bursting into a fit of hysterical laughter, Kim Jong-Un went on to suggest that the show's name be changed to "Celebrity Apocal."

"Who needs missiles when you have a celebrity game show you can use as a delivery system?" he declared.

The agenda for the reality TV series has Gary Busey and Dennis Rodman flying to a dinner meeting with the North Korean dictator at the request of the State Department. All goes well until Gary asks Kim if he can share his food with the emaciated wait-staff.

That sets the dictator off on a tirade that criticizes the dining etiquette of Hawkeye Pierce. That fictional military surgeon was the focus of M*A*S*H, the 70s television series that made the Korean War famous.

"Hawkeye Pierce disrespected our table," the translator said. "He finished his food with a fork, then used chopsticks to clean his teeth. A surgeon should be able to tell the difference between chopsticks and toothpicks. Back then we were not prepared to teach him. Now we have a nuclear-powered lesson plan."

A confrontation scene pitting Kim Jong-Un directly against Donald Trump also is scheduled. One idea is that the two egomaniacs discuss where they go for a trim and a shave, a debate that deteriorates into a shouting match over who has the more sophisticated hairstyle. As the argument accelerates, Atlantic City and the famous Trump hairpiece would be obliterated, according to the first draft of the script.

"My father always said to me, 'if you have lemons, make lemonade,'" Kim Jong-Un commented. "Well, I don't have any lemons, because my people ate the bark off of all our lemon trees. So I must amend my father's teachings. I say if you have nuclear warheads, make mushroom clouds."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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