Written by Teddy Silver
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Thursday, 18 April 2013

image for Vocally impaired badger favourite to win 'The Voice'
Another contest on this years show.

A badger with torettes and a severe speech impediment has been made the bookies favourite to win this year's tediously-familiar, televised singing-competition, The Voice.

Roadkill, the six-year-old badger from Guernsey, blew the judges away with his acoustic spin on the rock classic 'Go Your Own Way', and brought them to tears with his refreshing story about how the song perfectly mirrored the strife of his parents' long journey along a busy motorway; which ended abruptly when crossing the path of an IKEA delivery lorry.

"To call his act 'Roadkill,' as a tribute to his parents is so brave… and really helps fill the producer's quota of at least six dead or dying relatives on the show. What we want is a recording artist, something that's different, regardless of talent. And I defy anyone to say that 'Roadkill' isn't different," said Danny O'Donahugh.

The black and white badger chose Danny as his coach after a clean sweep of the judges and has been made favourite to win the series after cleverly using the tired but effective lie that one of his relatives entered him into the competition without his knowledge.

"I really like an artist who's willing to mix things up and his rendition of Madonna's 'Like a Virgin', which ended with him screaming "fuck, shit, sperm-face!" and urinating all over the stage really gave the performance a malignant sense of violence which I haven't seen since Geri Halliwell. As the fat, gay, Irish guy on the X-factor would say, he owned it…"

Resident lesbian Jessie J added: "He's amazing; I started fingering myself towards the end. I caught the eye of an audience member who was doing the same which was weird - but neither of us stopped. That's how good it was."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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