Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Tuesday, 16 April 2013

image for Simon Cowell Wants Cheryl Cole To Return To X-Factor
Twenty-nine-year-old Cheryl Cole showing that the English lass still has it. (Photo provided by Paco Peso).

LOS ANGELES - Simon Cowell AKA The Man With The Midas Touch has just informed the entertainment media that he would love to have the lusciously luscious Cheryl Cole return to X-Factor as a judge.

The Girls Aloud singer was terminated from her judges position back in 2011, due to the fact that, as the British Sultan of Sarcasm put it, a lot of American's simply had no earthly idea what the heck she was saying.

Cole, who speaks with a strong Geordie accent, was devastated and felt as if she'd had her femininity removed by way of her left ear.

The 29-year-old songstress recalls feeling so embarrassed that she actually wished she was Kirstie Alley (but only for a few moments).

Cheryl stated that the only thing that really helped her get through that rough time was the kindness, compassion, and bouts of mattress merriment from her then-boyfriend Derek "The Dancing Dude" Hough.

Tweedy, as she was nicknamed by fellow Brit Piers Morgan, was assured by Derek that she was still one extremely sensuously sexy woman who could sis boom bah with the best of them.

The "Call My Name" singer said that she was really smitten with Derek who took her into his Casa Cha Cha Cha mansion and reminded her that she was in fact quite an erotically erotic female.

Chezza, as Queen Elizabeth calls her, lived a fairy tale existence with the blonde ballroom dancer until early June of 2011, when he broke up with her at a Burger Belle in Pomona.

SIDENOTE: Cheryl told Bedroom Pillow Talk that just in the past week, Russell Brand has asked her out six times but she has told him that she is still hoping that Derek calls and says he wants to get back together with her.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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