Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Thursday, 4 April 2013

image for Hollywood Shocker: Charlie Sheen Turns Down Lindsay Lohan's Marriage Proposal
It looks like there will be no wedding cake in Lindsay's future; at least not with Charlie Sheen.

HOLLYWOOD - In a story that has even surprised long-time celebrity maven Barbara Walters, Charlie Sheen has told the entertainment media that Lindsay Lohan asked him to marry her.

Sheen said that he was at the famed Santa Monica Pier eating some blue cotton candy when he received a text message. It was from Lohan who asked him to please call her as soon as possible.

Charlie fearing that Lindsay was in some kind of trouble (again) called her right away.

He later told Tittle Tattle Tonight's Pico de Gallo that she was semi-incoherent but he clearly heard her say that she wanted him to marry her.

Lohan, who has had more ups and downs than an Empire State Building elevator, said that she wanted for them to get married down in Cabo San Lucas, Mexico at Ryan Seacrest and Steven Tyler's Puffy Taco Resort & Casino.

Charlie who himself has seen his share of elevator rides was stunned.

He divulged to de Gallo that Lindsay had told him that she not only enjoyed their recent mattress frolicking but pointed out that he was the friggin best mattress frolicker that she had ever frolicked with.

Sheen said that he told her that he was flattered as the dickens, but let her know that he is not ready to settle down and dedicate himself to one hooha.

He then said that Lindsay began crying and told him that she loves him and he is the only guy she has been intimate with who did not complain about her electronic ankle monitoring device getting in the way of their horizontal bopping.

In Other News. Zydeco Dupree writes in his book Trivia Territory that you can tell the sex of a rattlesnake by its hissing sound. Females hiss an octave higher than males.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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