Ventnor Zoo my be home to the ferocious fennec fox and the terrifying terrapin twins, but the Australian jungle it is not. Not yet anyway. Producers of the surprisingly popular televisual reality show I'm a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here are facing budget cuts, and been forced to look for a less out of the way island.
"Naturally, they've come to us," said tourism secretary, Selena Brierley, whose appearance in this spoof renders her eligible for the next series of I'm a Celebrity get me out of Here. "And why not, the island boasts a number of beautifully scenic spots, and is one of the country's top tourist destinations. After Chester Zoo, Lego World, Alton Towers and the Southport Lawnmower Museum. Which is very good, incidentally."
The production team are taking Ant and Dec around the various proposed locations.
"It's canny like," said Ant, who is contractually obliged to speak first. "They've got this like death slide that goes down the cliffs at Ventnor."
"And we reckon," said Dec, who has to wait for his cue from Ant before speaking, "that eating at the Golden Shower Chinese restaurant is easily as dangerous as eating kangaroo testicles. Probably more so, as they put them in a hot sauce and call them chicken."
Once the production team have decided on their locations for the new series, their new series locations will be kept highly secret, and the Isle of Wight council have agreed to rub them all out on all the maps of the island, so that nobody can find them. Additionally, they will allow the planting of additional trees, and the painting of Ryde Town Hall to make it look more ethnic.
"We're looking forward to the extra trees," said Miss Brierley. "As we seem to have rather too many garden gnomes again. And we need somewhere to put them."