Written by Gail Farrelly
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Topics: Money, Tom Cruise

Saturday, 2 September 2006

image for MBAs Prepare to Take Over the Movie Industry

Since the public scolding of Tom Cruise by Sumner Redstone of Viacom, it's been reported that Cruise plans to produce films independently using Wall Street money. Perhaps this is the wave of the future, with Wall Street leading the way in providing the financing of movie deals.

The news has been met with dismay by lots of non-financial folk. Maria Movielover has observed, "It's ridiculous. Those Wall Streeters already rule about what we earn and what we buy. Now they want control over what we SEE too. Outrageous!"

Nevertheless, business schools across the nation are working on changing curriculums to prepare their students for the challenges ahead. One has developed a new course, 'Berating Your Stars.' There are no textbooks; however, required readings include the letter sent to Lindsay Lohan by the chief of Morgan Creek, who was annoyed that too much partying had caused Lohan to miss work on a movie set. Numerous articles about the Tom Cruise-Sumner Redstone controversy will, of course, also be required reading. The instructor, Ned Nasty, has indicated to colleagues that he'll tell his students, "We all have freedom of speech. Use it to your advantage!" Professor Nasty proudly admits that he'll be encouraging his students to throw civility to the winds and plans on advising them, "Make it clear to the entertainment world that YOU are the boss and that YOU will hold them accountable in any way you choose. And when you fire the stars, berate them in public. Heck, if nothing else, it'll make you feel good."

The mother (she's refused to give her name) of a multi-millionaire investment manager has expressed doubts that her 32-year-old son would do well by investing in the entertainment industry. "He's a nice person and very smart, but the poor thing doesn't have a creative bone in his body. I hate to admit it, but he's a bit of a bore. He can earn money and he can count it, but that's about it." She's told the Spoof reporter that her son hasn't seen a new movie in years but watches over and over a video of -- you guessed it -- the movie "Wall Street." Shaking her head back and forth in disgust, she added, "Would you believe, he doesn't even own a DVD player."

Meanwhile, friends report that Suri, the baby daughter of Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise, has uttered her first words. Watching TV from her playpen one night while her parents were eating dinner, she saw Sumner Redstone, her dad's nemesis, giving an interview. Suri pointed a stubby finger at the TV, gave a Bronx cheer, and said quite clearly, "Bad man!" Right on, Suri. You go, girl!

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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