Written by Ossurworld
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Monday, 4 March 2013

David Ortiz may be the best actor on the Red Sox since the lowly Red Sox were on a twin bill with Laurence Olivier playing a second-rate vaudeville singer.

At the time we were impressed with Olivier's tapdance and Don Buddin doing something similar at shortstop.

With his daily or occasionally daily semi-workouts, we have begun to see Ortiz as a proponent of Kabuki. There are body movements that still amaze us with their complexity of meaning.

In case you are not up on your Kabuki, it is somewhat similar to Japanese Noh works. And, yes, Ortiz has been giving Red Sox Nation more Noh than yes.

Fans of Edward Albee feel that Big Papi is the star of an absurdist drama, either Zoo Story or Who's Afraid of an Achilles Tendon?

Some of our nouveau cultured friends insist that Ortiz is re-enacting Rhinoceros by Samuel Beckett, while others believe he is finally playing the character for whom we all wait: Godot.

We'll give our less theatrical friends a little insight: Waiting for Godot is pointless. He never shows up during the play. And, as you may suspect, Ortiz may not show up for Opening Day.

If you want a laugh track to help you understand that it's all a joke, you may be out of luck. The Red Sox have spent upwards of $26 million on Ortiz, and that leaves precious little funding for a laugh track.

If you're like most people who watch the Old Dowager Countess on Downton Abbey, you aren't sure when you should laugh anyhow. The old gal keeps you off-guard.

So let it be said about David Ortiz. His spring training performance has brought together the best parts of The Elephant Man with a Harry Houdini disappearing trick.

We know he's a man, not an animal; but we are not sure what exactly is hidden under the sack over his head.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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