Written by DP Whitehead
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Tuesday, 26 February 2013

image for Tom Cruise To Set Up Own Version Of Academy Awards
Cruise Grows A Beard - "Just Like Ben Afleck's and George Clooney's and Robert De Niro's and Sally Field's" he tells friends

Vertically challenged actor Tom Cruise has announced he is to create his own Academy Award show as an alternative to what he claims is "the back slapping and mutual masturbation club that is the Oscars".

Cruise, 4ft 10, made the announcement after once again being snubbed by the academy, receiving not one nomination this year, despite two brilliant performances last year in Jack Reacher and Rock of Ages.

The minuscule thespian has yet to receive an Oscar and many feel that Cruise is being snubbed - some claim because of his Scientology beliefs.

"This isn't sour grapes, it isn't because I really want a real Oscar and they won't let me play," grinned the pocket sized hunk. "I just feel that there is no credibility anymore, it seems a movie these days has to meet some sort of criteria...or have Daniel Day-Lewis or George Clooney involved somehow, that's all, nothing more than that."

Nominations for Cruise's awards are already in, being dubbed 'The Tinys' the show will air next Sunday on ABC, nominations for Best Actor and Movie include:

Tom Cruise in Top Gun
Tom Cruise in Mission Impossible's 1,2,3 and 4
Tom Cruise in Vanilla Sky
Tom Cruise in Knight and Day

Best movie nominees include:

War of The Worlds, starring Tom Cruise
Minority Report, starring Tom Cruise
Risky Business, starring Tom Cruise
Jerry Maguire, starring Tom Cruise

Cruise, who has denied reports he is considering changing his name to Thomas Day-Cruise believes 'anyone' could win next Sunday.

"Keep in touch," he said, waving, as he was carried away on a chariot made out of a shoe box and pulled by mice.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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