Written by President Bush
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Topics: Christmas, Walmart

Saturday, 26 August 2006

image for 'Tigers In A Walmart' Now Under Production
"You take cosmetics, I'll hit that goofball trying to use the Self Checkout machine"

'Tigers In A Walmart', insiders say, takes a whimsical look at what COULD happen, theoretically if thirteen 650 pound starving Siberian tigers suddenly got loose in a Walmart .. store packed .. exits jammed, Christmas Eve and the starving tigers so ravenous that one of them actually eats himself before realizing, "Hey, it's Christmas and this store's packed plum full of meat".

Hot on the heels of his wildly successful 'Snakes On A Plane', director David Ellis, not high on Super Glue this time (he swears) decided to blank it to the next blank with

"Blanks IN A Blank".

"HOLD on to your HORSES" director Ellis says, promising this Christmas more pure unadulterated blood, guts, violence and gore since Jennifer Aniston finally caught up with Angelina Jolie outside Luci Ano's (check your local Enquirer).

"One Walmart shopper gets her whole HEAD ripped off right there in the frozen food section" one insider who's seen preliminary footage leaked to reporters telling them,

"And that was by an angry Walmart clerk, not by a tiger".

Samuel L Jackson, star of 'Snakes On A Plane' reportedly makes a brief comedic cameo appearance in this movie, dressed in a tiger costume, licking over the remains of a former Walmart shopper lying over in isle's 12, 13 and 14.

Walmart, already under fire for simply BEING Walmart yesterday issued an edict forbidding all Americans from viewing the new movie once it's released, one executive saying,

"If we find out that you went to see that movie, not only will your prices not be rolled back in the checkout line but we MAY charge you more .. take away your Sam's Club card too don't mess with Walmart."

"It's all not blood and gore" Ellis says. He told reporters that in one scene an elderly man, finally exhausted after being chased from the Viagra section of the store all the way to Walmart's new Ring Tone department simply turned, stood his ground and punched the tiger flat in the snout. Ellis pointed out,

"Sure the tiger, now not only hungry as hell but mad as hell as well ripped the man to shreds but it's the WAY he got ripped to shreds is what's hilarious".

Director Ellis again assured reporters that Super Glue was not behind the making of this new movie, 'Snakes In A Walmart' explaining,

"Liquid Paper, maybe but definitely NO Super Glue. None that I can remember."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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