Written by ANGELA WRIGHT
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Tuesday, 12 February 2013

image for William Shatner or Captain Kirk? Turns out he didn't know either
Kirk had turbulent emotions

'Trekkies' the world over can barely contain their excitement following a sensational find at a major Hollywood studio this week. Kirk's famous 'Captain's Log', it seems, was a real document. The studio has already released excerpts from the journal which clearly reveal Shatner's disturbing crisis of identity.

Here are the entries known so far:

CAPTAIN'S LOG: STARDATE 36224

Uhura gave me a strange look on the Bridge today when I asked her to contact the Klingon Federation Leader. I couldn't read it. Was she still mad with me for taking the last croissant at breakfast yesterday? It's a tense situation.

CAPTAIN'S LOG: STARDATE 99132

Another major bust-up avoided with Spock. He's a piece of work. Lucky my people management skills are so honed. I defused the situation by softening my voice just a touch and momentarily brushing his arm. No doubt about it though, the guy's got a shitload of intelligence.

CAPTAIN'S LOG: STARDATE 78114

Had lunch with McCoy in his quarters. He's still pushing me for three days' extraordinary leave to take part in the Starfleet Federation Knock-Out Crazy Golf competition. I told him absolutely not, but I know I'll back down. He's such an asshole.

CAPTAIN'S LOG: STARDATE 77439

Found myself staring at Uhura's legs again as she marched through Lower Deck 3. She's one shapely woman. We shared the elevator back up to the Bridge. I was sweating like some farm animal. Hope she didn't notice.

CAPTAIN'S LOG: STARDATE 33284

Arrived on the Bridge this morning to find McCoy beating the shit out of Spock - not for the first time this week. I had to separate them with physical force. Lucky my wrestling skills are so honed. Sent Sulu to get us all some strong coffee. McCoy called Spock a 'freakin' weirdo' and stormed off in a huff.

CAPTAIN'S LOG: STARDATE 77498

I'm still in emotional torment about today's meet with First Officers. I know they've seen how I lust after Uhura. It was business as usual though, apart from Scotty winking at me all the time and saying 'You dirty old rascal' intermittently.

CAPTAIN'S LOG: STARDATE 29945

I think I'm in love with Spock. When he raises an eyebrow at me I feel queasy inside. Damn him. I don't think he notices me - not in that way. Lucky my acting skills are so honed. Should I invite him for dinner?

CAPTAIN'S LOG: STARDATE 19444

Trouble with the engines again. We can only manage Warp Factor 4. Scotty says he'll need a day to fix things up. He has no idea what he's doing. If he says 'I think she's gonnae blow Captain' one more time, I swear I'll deck him.

CAPTAIN'S LOG: STARDATE 87231

Spock kept glancing at Uhura this morning on the Bridge. What was he thinking? I stood in between them to interrupt any chemistry going on. I was in mental torment. I could do with some help to explore my conflicting emotions.


Professor Brian Cox, a Star Trek fan since childhood, stated that he could empathise with the troubled actor. Between the ages of 19 to 35, Cox was convinced that he was actually Sir Patrick Moore, the late, accomplished amateur astronomer.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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