Looking tired but relaxed, Louis Walsh emerged this afternoon from Beaumont Hospital with neurosurgeon Willie Bodgem at his side. Louis waved enthusiastically to no-one in particular as a Private Eye reporter waited, hungry for the first utterance from the lips of a man with the brain of a hamster.
Walsh approached the reporter excitedly, pointing to the green balaclava stretched tightly over his head. "I have to wear this for 48 hours," he said, "to keep my brain warm during the settling in period."
I studied Mr Bodgem's face, looking for the smallest smirk. This would have confirmed my belief that he'd persuaded Walsh to wear this ridiculous headgear for a small wager in the surgeons' common room, but no.
As the Senior Consultant quietly returned to his hospital duties, Louis turned eagerly to an invisible crowd and made the following statement:
"I feel incredible. It's like all my birthdays have come at once. Now I know what it feels like to win the X-Factor. I'm actually living the dream - this brain implant is everything I've ever wanted. If only my Nan had been alive to see this. Life just couldn't get any better. It's amazing."
I kid you not. Check out Private Eye.