Hollywood -- It seems that Mel Gibson is having a crisis of conscience. He has confessed to insiders (the two that haven't fled yet), who leaked to...well, me, what he was shocked -shocked!-to read in a 10th grade biology text -- ONE-HALF his genes are female!
Said Gibson, according to one of the inside sources: "How come nobody told me this? Am I the only one who doesn't know this? I wouldn't go round dissing women if I'd a known this, mate."
The second (unnamed, of course) insider confirmed that he was angry in the face of his ignorance and vowed to "clean up my act" in light of the revelation, described as an epiphany.
Both insiders agreed that Gibson was always aware that Jesus Christ was Jewish, yet seemed perplexed when confronted with the discouraging anti-Semitism he displayed at the same time the misogynistic remark was made. Insider One tried to rationalize: "Well, we're all human and we can know something and not REALLY know something, right? I mean, let's not be too hard on him. DNA, meiosis, fairly new stuff. It's not like he said the earth was flat, or something."
I interviewed Dr. Bradhead, a psychiatrist specializing in the treatment of patients who use alcohol to suppress unwanted inner knowledge. "His case is classic. I see many neo-fascists in my practice and the dyad of woman-bashing and anti-Semitism -- hey, even my grandma gets that! (chuckled) -- is the primary way I diagnose these assholes." Dr. Bradhead was encouraged by the occurrence of both these prejudices in the same drunken stupor. "Wow! He'll need Jungian therapy for that! Tell him I'll give him my celeb discount."
A random Jewish woman (full disclosure: my cousin) was asked about Dr. Bradhead's thoughts: "Yeah dude, get help! But it's a lucky it came out now. Remember, it took YEARS for the world to 'discover' Hitler's woman-hating anti-Semitism. Gibson is wagging it in our collective faces RIGHT NOW, so to speak."
My cousin could not be stopped: "We might have been unlucky enough to have to wait until he died, maybe read it in his diary, or somebody 'confesses' that he's part Jewish, or maybe a small synagogue is discovered in his house, or..."
I stopped her there. She had a laundry list of 'discovery' possibilities, not one of them even remotely like, "Shooting your mouth off to cops after a DUI pullover."