Written by E. Lee Zimmerman
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Monday, 14 January 2013

CNN's Anderson Cooper last stole the LGBT spotlight when he announced, much to his surprise, that he was homosexual. However, actress Jodie Foster's recent admission at the 70th Annual Golden Globes has created a sense of doubt in the seasoned reporter.

"I really should've planned it better," Cooper admits from his CNN office in Washington, D.C. "Actually being gay dawned on me at the last minute. At first, managers thought it would be good for a ratings boost, despite the fact that I really was gay - I mean really really gay, in reality - but being gay - I mean the announcement of being gay as I had been for decades came as such a surprise to me."

Mournfully, he considers what he should've done differently.

"I should've made it a grander spectacle is what I'm thinking," he continues. "Jodie did such a sweeping, dramatic gesture, coming out so publicly as she did amongst the Hollywood elite. If I had it to do over again, then I'd probably pick a bigger venue. Maybe, next time, I'll come out as an admission during an interview with the President or the Prime Minister of Great Britain. They have a Prime Minister, don't they? Or maybe while I'm chatting with the Queen of England. Or maybe when I'm chatting with Miley Cyrus. I just don't know. I wish I'd done it with greater pomp and circumstance, that's for sure."

At present, Cooper has decided he'll change his lifestyle in order to gain the time to concoct an even more elaborate 'coming out' speech in the future.

"For now, I'm no longer gay publicly," he states. "I'll still be gay privately, you understand, but, publicly, I'm no longer gay. Once I have a plan for 'coming out' again - something that's as big and as bold as I and my partners deserve - then I'll publicly be gay again."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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