Written by Ossurworld
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Saturday, 29 December 2012

Rex Ryan denied the major news story that he wanted to leave the New York Jets. T-Rex Ryan, the vociferous scene-stealer and setting chewer, insisted he would be a Jet for life.

No one had the heart to tell him that not even Leonard Bernstein believed being a Jet for life was possible.

Such life sentences are, of course, unconstitutional in the United States as a form of cruel and unusual punishment. We begin to wonder for what crimes Ryan feels the need to be disciplined so harshly.

Fifteen more years as coach of the New York Jets may not be possible, according to life insurance actuarial tables. Rex's days would end somewhat short of that, and he may end up buried, not under the goal posts, but closer to the periphery of the Red Zone.

Rex held a zinger press conference, as only he can, and insisted he was madder than a yellow jacket, red shirt, or white flag.

As much as we love Rex, his press conference had all the drama of John Boehner saying the fiscal cliff would be a short drop to oblivion.

As we watched our favorite nemesis to Bill Belichick, he began to look like a man at an audition. Daniel Craig will need another hambone villain to fight as James Bond in the next epic spy adventure.

We think Rex Ryan's performance makes Skyfall look like a walk in the park. Rex should not be wasting his talents as an NFL coach. He needs to stretch his creative genius to the silver screen where Oscars await.

Forget the Super Bowl, Rex. You would do better walking down a short red carpet to the Golden Globes.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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