Written by Minty Fruitbat
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Sunday, 23 December 2012

image for Channel 5 Greenlights New Reality Shows for 2013
Boisterous Crotch - Head of Channel 5 Programming

Channel 5 has today announced a new series of reality programmes to try and help boost it's ratings.

Speaking from 5's head offices in Lower Frottage, head of programming Boisterous Crotch said "While our viewers will still see their favourite shows such as; "The Nazis: A McDonald's Too Far?" and "The Secret Life Of Piccalilli" we really feel these new shows will increase our viewership immensely.

Here are the list of upcoming shows for 2013:

Katona Hot Tin Roof - Former celebrity Kerry Katona will be strapped to the roof of an old shed for 3 weeks while several fires are lit inside the building. For each day she lasts without serious injury she'll win an amazing £1.23 for her chosen charity!! Hosting the show will be Matt Cardle's hair.

The Price Is Tight
- Will follow former glamour model and cod liver oil spokesperson Katie Price as she has surgery to restore her lady garden to it's former glory.

Frankie Boyle's Guide To Etiquette - The popular Scottish children's entertainer shows us how to behave all proper like.

2013 Doomsday - More paranoid freaks from the Internet tell us why the Mayonnaise calendar predicts that the world will be turned into a Tangerine in 2013.

Fish N' Chips: The True Story
- Join your hosts Demonic Littlewood (Gollum in Lord Of The Rings - The Musical) and Jedward each night for six weeks as we look at how a simple portion of fish and chips goes from wrapper to poop.

One Direction: A Year on The Road - The popular granny bothering boy band are made to stand in the middle of a motorway for a year.

With this slew of reality shows 5 is predicting that it's viewing numbers will increase from 3 to 4. "The problem is" said Mr Crotch "we just don't have the budget to make anything that could really boost our ratings. We're competing against the likes of the BBC who's budgets range from £1 million to £20 million whereas the average price of our programming is £6.73p"

In recent years 5 has struggled to retain it's broadcasting licence due to some controversial shows being aired. "We honestly thought that people would want to watch "Celebrity Poo Fest" and "Yeast Infections of the Rich & Famous" but, it seems, we got it wrong.I just hope this new round of shows really lives up to our viewer's expectations.."

ADDITIONAL BREAKING NEWS: Matt Cardle's hair has now dropped out of hosting Katona Hot Tin Roof and will be replaced by a Teabag.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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