Written by CaptainSausage
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Friday, 21 December 2012

image for Chesney Hawkes: The Musical launches to appalling reviews
The theatre: a place to see great art, and atrocious musicians attempt to revive their long-dead careers

A new musical based on the hits of a popular rock artist is hitting the West End of London. After Mamma Mia, We Will Rock You, Our House, Viva and a few others, prepare yourself for "Chesney" the musical. Based on the famous hits of 1980s blond-quiffed singer-songwriter Chesney Hawkes, "Chesney" features every single one of his greatest hits, all fitted around a convoluted plot which somehow manages to shoehorn in every song.

In the first part of the tale the lead character Chesney is the singer of a band, but although he appears to be very popular, he is in fact incredibly alone. He sings a song to himself, called "The One And Only", in which he mourns his tragic loneliness.

In the next scene, Chesney is with his band, the Chesneys, and he realises that he is a special and unique person. He then sings a song to demonstrate how he feels about himself - "The One And Only".

In the third scene, he finds himself in South Korea, where he is wondering how much of the local currency he will receive for performing a gig. In the end, he realises it doesn't matter, as long as he is paid a decent amount. He then sings a song entitled "The Won And Only" in a torturous pun which even the cast can barely tolerate. (For those who don't know, the currency of South Korea is the Won.)

There are many more trials and tribulations involving horrendously contorted versions of Chesney Hawkes' only hit song. But in the final scene, the audience are not only brought to their feet but are almost physically moved to leave the theatre. The plot somehow turns to being about an American actress who was big in the 1990s, but who has recently come to play a famous elephant in a West End show. Entitled "The Winona Nelly", it is a fittingly atrocious pun with which to end this cringe-fest.

Tickets for "Chesney" are available now at a discount price, and it is likely that if you join the audience, you will be "the one and only" person there.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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