Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Tuesday, 18 December 2012

image for Sofia Vergara To Appear in The 2013 All-Nude Mayan Apocalypse Calendar
Sofia Vergara going over the proofs that will appear in her nude calendar. (Photo by Ashton Kutcher).

VENICE BEACH, California - The star of the hit sit-com Modern Family, Sofia Vergara was having lunch at The Giggling Guacamole Restaurant in Venice Beach when she received a phone call.

The caller was Axton P. Zipplecross, Jr, who is the owner and CEO of one of America's largest calendar manufacturer's Calendars 'R' Us.

Mr. Zipplecross, informed Miss Vergara that she had been chosen from a group of 97 women, which had been narrowed down from 13,903.

He pointed out that she will be appearing on the cover and she'll be featured in The 2013 All-Nude Mayan Apocalypse Calendar which will go on sale on December 26.

Miss Vergara was so excited that she dropped her Chicken Fajita Taco and started crying so much she got about six black eyeliner teardrops on her "Viva Juan Valdez" commemorative Colombian coffee halter top.

She remarked in quasi broken English, "Tank ju so berry berry mush Meester Zippercrust, ju hab juss made me so gosh darnit happy and muchly, lemmy see how ju say eat...well-endowed."

The 30-year-old South American beauty will not only appear on the calendar cover but she will also grace each one of the twelve months in a different setting and pose.

Miss Vergara was interviewed by Margarita Mixx with The Tinsel Town Times Tribune and she was asked how much she knew about the Mayan Culture. She replied that she knew that they were Indians just like the Aztecs, the Zapotecs, the Toltecs, the Mixtecs, and the Messagetecs.

Sofia also proudly stated that she went and Googled three other Mayan calendars, the Mythological Calendar, the Lunar Calendar, and the Menopausal Calendar.

[WRITER'S NOTE: I spoke with Ryan "Peaches" Seacrest and he informed me that Sofia had beaten out Eva Longoria, 37, and Salma Hayek, 46.]

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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