Written by dav
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Topics: Playboy, Los Angeles

Wednesday, 19 November 2003

Los Angeles, CA -- Hugh says, 'I am all done with this charade.' Resting all to uncomfortably in his multi-billion dollar home, sits a rugged Hugh Hefner with an unmistakable frown from ear to ear. "I am downright exhausted!" exclaimed an accused exploiter of female genitalia for financial gain.

After recent reports indicated a mildly disturbed CEO of The Playboy Corporation - a company that brings the intrigue of gorgeous women, to a brilliant, high quality physical magazine for immediate archive and prestigious collectors, was reported to have said that 'My crotch is finished, and that'll be the end of that.'

Very little is known about the young Hefner, but after an extensive interview, research showed much development inside his deep mind would explain the surfacing emotions, and repressed feelings that have made him the subject of so much chronic sexual abuse; an average man would have committed suicide from their lack of tolerance.

Hugh grew up in Wilmington, Nebraska an offshoot of the small town Labia Bay. The genetic make up of this town was mostly girls between the ages of 16 & 34. At first, we discovered that he had been the subject of countless rape assaults by classmates, and even on the day of his graduation he was forced to have continuous intercourse with eight abnormally rambunctious and attractive girls.

"At the beginning I was timid", recalls Hefner, "but it became all I was, so I needed to make a living... this was all I had, and the ladies seemed to enjoy forcing me to exploit them, I don't get it."

Then he took out a small petite handkerchief, sobbed softly for a moment, and then continued.

"I remember when I got to the point if I saw an attractive woman, I would become sad. I wanted to die; to hack off my male misery and become a monk or cave dweller. But when they heard about my plans, they imprisoned me, and forced me to please them more often. By the time I was 19, I had been with over a thousand broads, and became violently sick to the stomach when someone presented themselves, so-to-speak."

His eyes became cross, lips brittle and flighty as he continued to explain his life and philosophy.

"I find 21-year-old brunettes disgusting. 18-year-old blonds repulsive, 26-year-old Latinas horrifying. I can't even take a bath without three or four pre-adolescent Asian chicks helping me, as they call it."

Hugh then grabbed the very edge of his wheelchair like a podium, as if he was giving a presidential address before congress and all of the American people.

"People think I am extolling the virtues of marriage, children and family life, but I am the one who has suffered, and I am the one who has been the victim all along. But you don't really see me starting my own non-profit group, or complaining about how unfair life is; other than this particular interview that is."

After such an intense interview, I have a newfound respect, pity and familiarity with the dirty politics associated with this degrading pastime.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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