Who was that mystery woman who emerged from the audience to accost Colin Farrell at Jay Leno's Tonight Show last week? A spurned lover? A crazed fan? A long-lost relative? None of the above, according to the latest info obtained by The Spoof.
The young lady, Ms. Maureen Kelly, is a Dublin garda appointed to the recently formed Gum Litter Taskforce -- a group attempting to encourage people to dispose of used gum in a responsible manner. Apparently Farrell has, on numerous occasions, thrown his used gum on Dublin sidewalks; as a result, Ms. Kelly presented him with a document officially labeling him a 'litter lout' and informing him that he may be subject to fines, should this behavior continue. She chose The Tonight Show as a venue to gain more publicity for the taskforce.
Colin's mom, Rita Farrell, interviewed in Dublin, had this to say about her son. "He's a good boy, really he is. But I never could get him to put his gum
in the bin." Shaking her head from side to side, she added, "Even as a little kid he loved to throw his gum on the sidewalk and watch people get stuck in it. And now his two-year-old kid does the exact same thing. It's a disgrace!"
Edna Entrepreneur of Los Angeles scoffs at the chewing gum disposal hoopla in Ireland. "Talk about making a mountain out of a molehill! I hope the police here in LA don't start getting involved in this silly stuff. It's bad enough we're importing illegal immigrants from all over the globe. Why should we import their crazy ideas, too?" Edna presently runs a flourishing business picking up gum discarded by celebrities. "It's all on the up and up," she assured us. "First I bring it to a DNA lab and have it certified. Then I package it up all nice and neat with a cute little bow and sell it on eBay." If requested, she does accept special orders. Right now, for example, she's scouting around for gum discarded by Laura Bush, Larry King, Pat Robertson, Kofi Annan, and Christina Aguilera.
Meanwhile Garda Kelly admits to being just a little bit disappointed that her moment in the sun has come to an end. Now back in Dublin, she's still hoping that the saga might have a Chapter Two. "Farrell's got the message about the gum," she assured us. "There won't be a repeat offense on that." However, she did say, "But you never know. Suppose, for example, at some point he's back in Dublin, gets involved in a little bar room brawl or something, and hightails it back to Hollywood." With a dreamy look in her eye she went on to say, "And who knows? I might be sent over to extradite him back to Ireland." That would, Ms. Kelly assures us, be an assignment she'd be happy to accept. "Imagine flying over the Atlantic handcuffed to Colin Farrell. Now that's what I call the luck of the Irish!"