Written by Simon Saunders
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Wednesday, 28 November 2012

image for Rosemary Shrager Told To "Cook Off" Out Of The Jungle
This kangaroo managed to spot a meat cleaver wielding Shrager before it was too late

With just four more days left of ITV's 'I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here!', TV cook Rosemary Shrager has been told to get the cook off the show by it's viewers.

Rotund Rosemary, previously best known for her role on ITV's 'Ladette to Lady' when she was the shows haughty haute cuisine teacher, was a late arrival to the programme along with 80's pop star and nobby no-mates Limahl. They spent their first night in the jungle away from the other contestants in a hut with a load of rats.

Once they joined the others, Shrager, a professional cook and unrivalled expert in condescension, was immediately handed the job of camp cook, but not in an Ainsley Harriot sort of way.

Her bossy cooks temperament had the instant effect of rubbing up her jungle buddies the wrong way. In particular 'Made in Chelsea' star Hugo Taylor, with whom she was to have regular disagreements.

Shrieking Shrager took to her role as you would expect, barking out orders to anyone within earshot and generally being a pain in the outback.

When not rustling up meals from such culinary delights as kangaroo's tail and possum meat she spent most of her time flexing her ample patronisation muscles in Hugo's general direction. Not something he took well.

The many spats with Hugo ended when the pair called a truce. The final argument over some smelly clothes provided Rosemary with the opportunity to tell Hugo he was "being petulant like a little boy." Literally seconds after the truce was agreed Rosemary couldn't resist the temptation to continue chipping away at Hugo, reminding him "you were being petulant though" before declaring peace again. Once again the truce lasted approximately three seconds before she childishly piped up once more in an attempt to get the last word in, "Hugo, you were behaving like a petulant little boy." Despite Hugo attempting to laugh it off viewers could see he was rapidly losing the will to live in the face of her non-stop barrage of irritating hypocrisy.

She will return to the real world, such as it is, and continue to spend her days bellowing at students who've, regrettably for them, signed up to her cooking course.

Unlike yesterdays jungle reject, former soap star Helen Flanagan, it's unlikely that she'll receive any offers to dispense with her clothes before sprawling herself all over the bonnet of a sports car in a lads mag.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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