The latest Sesame Street rumor is that Elmo, the immensely popular red puppet, will retire after allegations of at least two sexual relationships with underage boys.
Elmo has agreed to release a rare public statement to The Spoof. His defense of his actions, which follows, is as powerful and disturbing as it is thought-provoking.
Elmo here to address allegations. Elmo accused of improper relationships with underage boys. Allegations not true.
Everyone know Elmo. Your children love Elmo. Elmo best selling toy of all time. That not going away, allegations going away. Elmo account for seventy-five percent of Sesame Street merchandise. That fifty million annually. Big Bird, Bert and Ernie, Count Dracula, they not add up to one Elmo. Elmo fire them tomorrow, nobody care. Transformers suck, Elmo better. Elmo in Macy's parade.
Accusers want money. Five million in damages. That bad. Elmo spend lot of money on lawyers. Five million nothing to Elmo. Make that in one week. Sell toys here, personal appearance there. Elmo not hurting. Accuser now twenty-four, get over it. He just now realize he abused. Ha. He just now realize he get rich off Elmo. First accuser recant, ha. Elmo pay him off.
Sesame Street brand not in trouble. Hasbro Toys, they say Elmo integral part of toy line. They take dirty money, they not care. Hasbro Playskool bringing out new Elmo, retail price forty bucks. Elmo more powerful than ever. You take on Sesame Street, might as well take on Pope. Take on Jesus too, see if you win. Elmo and Jesus, la la la.
Elmo most popular on Sesame Street. Big Bird nothing. Oscar the Grouch, he give Elmo blowjobs. He grateful for the work. Other puppets, Elmo not even speak to them. Snuffleupagus, he nothing. Elmo come along, everyone forget Snuffleupagus. Can you spell his name? Elmo easy to spell. He too sophisticated. Elmo dumb, American children relate to him. Let England have Snuffleupagus.
Bad rumors going around. Latest rumor is that Elmo just a puppet. He not a real being. That a lie. Some say real power behind Elmo is puppeteer named Kevin Clash. They say there are pictures of Kevin Clash with hand up Elmo's butt. That mean nothing. Lots of people let young black man put hand up their butt, that not mean they are all puppet.
Everyone jealous of Elmo success. New York Times, they print lies. Everyone want to talk to Elmo. Even Al-Jazeera want interview. They want interview, they have to kiss ass. Elmo's name famous another five hundred years. You think anyone heard of Brian Stetler, blogger for New York Times? He nothing. Huffington Post? Elmo wipe ass with Huffington Post.
Katherine Franke, director of center for gender and sexuality law at Columbia University, she say Elmo victim. She say Elmo victim of sex panic. Just like David Petraeus. She right. Elmo not law professor, but she right. Elmo right, everybody else wrong.
Kevin Clash go away, Elmo stay. Elmo not going nowhere. Your children let you burn in Hell before they let Elmo go away. Kevin Clash go away, Elmo fire you. Elmo not need you.
You think underage allegations bad? That just tip of iceberg. Tickle me Elmo alright. You tickle Elmo, Elmo talk. Hee hee hee. Elmo do more that talk. You squeeze Elmo, he laugh and shake. You not want to know what he do next. Your kids never forget, I tell you that. You not know what children up to alone in bedroom with Elmo. You go to sleep, Elmo never sleep. It too late, your kids love Elmo. They trade in parents for Elmo if they could. Elmo better parent, you suck.
Crayons, crayons. Elmo loves crayons. La la la la la.