Written by Brett Taylor
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Friday, 23 November 2012

We here at The Spoof are dedicated to bringing you the most important World Events. Therefore we arranged for our top reporter on International Affairs to send dispatches from the Israel-Palestine Conflict. Unfortunately he was beheaded this morning when he confused the Arabic word for "insurgent" with "arsehole."

This leaves us with only one sober reporter, Ashlee Keshperry, a young lady from Modesto, CA, where she writes for a high school newspaper. This is her first story for a major news outlet, and we are assured it will be quite provocative and informative.

Take it away, Ashlee!

I just went to see the new Twilight and OMG, Bella is still just as whiny as ever and I totally can't stand her. I thought maybe she would be better in this movie but she still totally sucks. She is a total hick from like some nowhere town I never heard of. If she moved to my school I would never talk to her. She is always whining about everything. Wah wah, I am a loser. Wah wah, I am so ugly. Wah wah, I am so pretty. She needs to face the fact that she is really ugly and get over it. If I were her I would dye her hair blonde like mine and get a nosejob from a really good plastic surgeon and maybe get a boob job but only if my boyfriend wanted it. Then maybe she wouldn't be so stupid.

She is a big loser and I don't like her hair.

She dates Edward and he is so stupid and totally gay and I can't understand anything English people say. Plus he is a redhead. Nobody dates guys with red hair unless they are gay. She even had a baby by him and that was really stupid. I don't really know because I was talking on my cell phone but I think there was a lot of blood and people were getting their heads cut off and it was really gross and stuff. She is always running around screaming "Edward!" because he has to save her all the time. He glitters in the sunlight and if she were smart she would be having babies with the werewolf and he wouldn't glitter all the time and his muscles are bigger. I am glad my boyfriend isn't English. If he met an English guy he would be like, Dude, the way you talk is totally gay and my muscles are biugger than yours. Plus Edward's skin is really pale and guys are supposed to hang out at the beach and get a tan. I would get a tan but I haven't shaved my legs in a long time and it's really embarassing. Plus he isn't my boyfriend anyway, he is just this guy that's always saying funny stuff in history class which is really boring but I like it when they get married and get to be Queen and rule the country. If I were Queen I wouldn't be a bitch except if I couldn't get any ice cream or something and then I would be all PMS on their asses and make them beg for their lives. But my friend Kalia is a total bitch and I wouldn't to be her sevant, plus her name is really weird.

My friend wanted to get yogurt after the movie but I can't believe anyone would eat that stuff even if they were really like hungry but I'm usually not. She says frozen yogurt is different from other yogurt butt I don't believe her. Plus there was this guy at the strip mall who's always hanging around and he is really creepy.

Also I hear the girl who plays Bella is really old, like twenty-five or something. That is gross. I will say one thing for Bella, her butt is not too big. Girls with big butts are so disgusting, and their boyfriends are always black.

Bella is so annoying. She should be a tree, that way we could chop her down.

In conclusion it was the best movie I have ever seen. I was going to see it again this weekend but my dad was all like, I don't have any money. Who cares anyway, his new girlfriend is a total whore.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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