ATLANTA, Georgia (ABSNN) - The Learning Channel, once home to NASA, now home to Honey Boo Boo, has signed former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin to a two-year, weekly outdoor, hunting themed show called "Hunting from Hueys."
"We are exceptionally pleased that Governor Palin will lend her name and presence to our first real foray into animal killing by helicopter," said a spokesman for TLC.
"Ms. Palin is an absolute fit, having already slaughtered hundreds of wolves and sundry other species like caribou that have no real value to anyone and are only in the way of oil pipelines and such up in Alaska," he said.
"And not only has she slaughtered unknown numbers of critters up in the frozen wilds, she has vast experience in shooting them from hovering helicopters," he told the press while apparently having an orgasm.
According to the press handout, "Hunting from Hueys" involves the use of surplus Vietnam era, Bell AH-1 helicopter gunships affectionately known as "Hueys." The aircraft are fitted with M-60 machine guns as well as a variety of Air to Ground missiles that include both the radar guided, anit-tank Hellfire Missile and laser guided gravity bombs.
"Contestants will pay a minimum of $250,000 dollars while many (mostly Japanese and Saudis) will pay more, but each will have 45 minutes to kill as many animals as possible while a nude Palin flies the aircraft," said the TLC spokeman.
"Each show will end with the detonation of a 100 ton Fuel Air Explosive that has the punch of a small, tactical nuclear weapon that will not only kill off any surviving animals and Inuit in the vicinity, but also will defoliate and expose vast areas for mineral exploitation.
"I mean there is gold and oil out on the tundra and the only thing keeping us from getting at it are the useless animals and backward-assed Inuit. When they're gone, real Americans, white Protestant Americans, and we here at TLC, will reap the benefits," said the TLC spokesman.
"I'm tickled to be the host of this important outdoor show. I've tired of Dancing with the Stars. I've been shut out of my rightful place as Queen of the Republican Party. Well, I have to make a living, and whoring out to, err, hosting a show dedicated to conspicuous and totally unnecessary, wholesale slaughter of innocent animals is a wholesome alternative, don't you see," said Palin in one breath.
Yes, indeed, we do see; and we promise to keep you readers fully informed.