LANCASTER COUNTY, Pennsylvania (ABSNN) - A vast number of the farms in this Pennsylvania county have no electricity, no televisions, no telephones, no motor vehicles, no Honey Boo Boo. They are Amish folk, and yet, even the Amish know of the Twilight Vampire Series. However, one Lancaster County farmer, a man named James Pattinson, a non-Amish land owner, has never heard of the Twilight Saga, even though he is a first cousin to Rob Pattinson, a major star in the Twilight firmament.
"You telling me that little sissy-boy is some big movie star," Pattinson asked the reporters who gathered on his porch today.
"Good grief, he's a vampire? That boy wouldn't even help slaughter the hogs come the first frost," Pattinson said.
Farmer Pattinson was asked what he remembered most about his now famous cousin.
"He never saw a fight he wouldn't run from, that's for damned sure. And when it came to girls, he was far more likely to be seen wearing a skirt than hiking up one to get some… you know what!"
Farmer Pattinson was shown a video of his cousin Rob and his ingénue Kristen Stewart locked in a passionate embrace.
"Hell-fire, I didn't know he had it in him, or liked girls at all. Must be his first un. And that three-day growth a beard he's wearing. Are you shitting me? That has to be a fake Hollywood beard because that boy ain't ever shaved a day in his life. Ain't got no pubes either, nor nothing much down there to work with, if you get my drift," said a befuddled Farmer Pattinson.
Farmer Pattinson was asked if he watched television at all.
"I watch the Farm Channel and he ain't on there. Ain't on the Outdoor Channel or the NRA Channel either."
Farmer Pattinson was offered a box set of the Twilight Saga but turned it down saying:
"I know all I need to know about ole Robbie-boy, so no thank you.
But if you got nekkid pictures of that skinny chick, I give them a look."
We believe we've followed this story as far as it will go.