Jeremy Paxman had surgery yesterday to repair a broken blood vessel in his left nipple. However, the nipple was so hairy that the surgeon had to order in a special garden strimmer to cut the hair around the nipple, and then Paxman accidentally cut his finger on a magic wand that he had been carrying in his top pocket to ward off evil trolls that had been set onto him by a talking tomato called George, who he knew from school. Whilst in school, George masterminded a pub quiz, where he tricked Jeremy into forming Take That, who later fired Paxman because he had very hairy nipples that he used to hypnotise the fans into thinking that he was actually the actor of a drama series called Emmerdale Farm.
Clearly, the other people in Take That eventually had enough of Paxman, as he found out when each of the other members went to a gay disco in the early hours of the morning whilst on a hunting trip down in Tenby. Paxman found out, and went on a rampage which involved eating an enormous bowl of nails, glass and cat litter and then hurling a plate of Jaffa Cakes at a small child who looked an awful lot like Margerat Thatcher.
After the band quit and they were no more, Paxman thought it would be funny to dress up as a female traffic warden, who he had once seen while looking for money on the streets of Iraq near the small town of Karhnia, which is where Paxman would regularly see small midgets smiling as they did exciting things to clowns. Paxman was banished from Karhnia, however, because of an act of vandalism on a cigarette belonging to an Iraqi soldier whose mother had recently given birth to a fish finger with no legs due to a mix up at the operating table.
It was the soldier who then suggested that Paxman seek guidance from a respected Kurdish surgeon, because of his advanced skills in repairing ugly nipples by means of fire and Mars Bars. The surgeon would use the fire to make the Mars Bars melt around the uppermost point of Paxmans erect nipple, which would forge a temporary bond which would help sooth the infected area, causing a reaction with the nipple which could lead to cancer or even a severe case of haemorrhoids, which Paxman had suffered from in the past, after he had ran a marathon dressed like a black man to support the charity "Make-a-Boom Boom", which helps to aid sufferers of AIDS, haemorrhoids and gangrene in the face, which could often be transmitted between sufferers by vaginal or anal coughing.
Last night, Paxman was recovering St. Bernard's Hospital in Jersey where he was said to be in a state of shock and determination because he has now decided to change careers and become a pole dancer, having been inspired by a girl called Phyllis who he met whilst in Iraq, and who is nursing his nipple back to health by reading it stories and by rubbing ice cream into his armpits. Paxman later made a statement where he declared "the world hasnt seen the last of me", and sent an important message to Sir Trevor McDonald, telling him that he has fallen in love with a midget and that they are now officially an item, ending his long term affair with Jeanette Krankie. Finally, Paxman suggested that Ian Beale "must fancy me, because he never stops bastard staring at me". Beale refused to comment but was reportedly over the moon with this news.