Written by K.C. Bell
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Topics: Wall Street, Sexy

Saturday, 15 July 2006

image for Desperate Seniors On Gardenia Lane
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Wall Street Kernel: With the advent of sexy television programs successfully 'pushing the envelope' like Sex And The City, Desperate Housewives and Footballers' Wives, there is a new series presently in development with an eye toward the often neglected senior citizen population tentatively titled: Desperate Seniors On Gardenia Lane. Gardenia Lane will be located in a retirement village somewhere in Nevada, Arizona or Florida. Every actor over forty is itching to emerge from forced retirement due to age discrimination, and willing to accept any role. The single exception and blacklisted actor not allowed on Gardenia Lane is Sean Connery; fingered for his ageless good looks and still rugged sex appeal. Clint Eastwood made the cut.

"You made my day, punk."

Steve McQueen will be resurrected in hologram form, as he still is desired dead or alive by women. In a poll taken last year, ladies preferred McQueen dead, to Ben Affleck alive. How this affects wife Jennifer Garner remains a mystery. Affleck won't be in the series. Too young.

"It's not the men in your life, but the life in your men."

The patriarch of the village will be named Lear, not necessarily in reference to the jet, which central characters will own, but rather more Shakespearean in history. In addition to the usual villains in previous television series, Gardenia Lane will also include inheritance anticipating children, and globe traveling grandchildren, emailing grandparents for money at the first of the month.

"Show me the money."

The baby boomer seniors living on Gardenia Lane have no intention of going into that good night cutting out coupons from Sunday morning newspapers. They intend to go out kicking and screaming, celebrating in the same extraordinary manner they arrived. The series will not include young ducks like Leonardo di Caprio, Dakota Fanning, Toby McGuire, Olsen Twins, or any Heathers. Although Heather Locklear might be ready to move into Gardenia Lane. Just under the wire.

"Of all the gin joints in all the towns in all the world, she walks into Gardenia Lane."

Each geriatric ailment affecting men and women will be introduced with ER specificity, diagnosed and cured with products from the same pharmaceutical companies sponsoring the program. Tacky? Yes. Conflict of interest? So? Other sponsors may include: travel, cosmetic, fashion, music and foods; each waiting to express their concerns for seniors in return for the two minute advertisement of their product. Finally, will seniors be considered sexy?

"Just put your lips together and blow."


"I'm ready for my close up."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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