Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Tuesday, 23 October 2012

image for Clint Eastwood and William Shatner To Star In The Civil War Epic "Horses and Bayonets"
Members of the 13th Kentucky Artillery Volunteers firing at the 104th Rhode Island Cavalry Regulars.

HOLLYWOOD - TouchRock Films in association with Tri-Moon Pictures will soon begin production on Sheboygan Saddlehorn's epic Civil War movie Horses and Bayonets.

The movie deals with the battle of Pappy Perkins Creek which is located just outside of Bowling Green, Kentucky.

On National Cornbread Day, August 19, 1862, the oldest general in the Confederacy General Cumberland "Dentures" Mullenhiggle, 94, who will be played by Eastwood, 82, led his Rebel regiment of rag tag 13th Kentucky Artillery Volunteers against a much stronger Northern army.

The Yankee army consisted of the 104nd Rhode Island Cavalry Regulars led by the oldest officer in the Union Army, General Ebenezer "Saddle Cramps" Buttermaker, 93, who will be portrayed by William Shatner, 81.

As the Federal troops rode towards the town of Bowling Green they were suddenly ambushed by the Confederates. And although outnumbered by 3 to 1, the Southern boys managed to quickly gain the upper hand.

Many of the Yankee Cavalry horses bolted knocking their riders out of the saddle. About 14 minutes into the fighting both sides were suddenly stunned and shocked when they were attacked from the West by a wandering band of over 2,000 Mescalero Apaches from New Mexico.

The Mescalero Apaches easily outnumbered the combined Yankee and Rebel forces. The Confederate troops and the Union troops were totally bewildered and were actually mesmerized by the Apache war whoops which hit about 135 decibels.

The Indians did not have one single bow and arrow. They were equipped with Sharps Buffalo Rifles, Winchester Rifles, and Colt .45 Pistols which they had purchased from The Hot As Hell Firearms Mail Order Store in Ruidoso, New Mexico.

Realizing that the situation was hopeless Confederate General Mullenhiggle and Union General Buttermaker both decided to surrender.

The Mescalero Indian leader, Chief Gift Horse, told both generals that his band of Indians was going to confiscate all of their weapons, bullets, horses, cannons, cannon balls, and neat looking Civil War caps.

He then said that he would let them all go as long as they paid a losers fee of $700 cash. He also informed them that they would have to sign a document promising to never set foot in the state of New Mexico.

SIDENOTE: Among the various Apache tribes including the Mescaleros, the Chiracahua, the Coyoteros, and the Lipan, Chief Gift Horse is considered a Native-American Idol.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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