Written by Nick Hobbs
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Monday, 22 October 2012

image for TV Weatherman Blows Lid On Industry Secret
Lightning, giving way to showers and sunshine in the evening...

A top television weatherman has sensationally blown the lid on the secrets behind the industry, to the shock of executives and colleagues alike.

The weatherman, who wishes to remain anonymous, so in keeping with his wishes we'll give him the random pseudonym Tomasz Schafernaker, told us "we have no idea what we're talking about!"

"We use various means of telling what the weather will do, but mostly it's guessing. We look at what the weather did today, and basically look at what direction the wind is blowing, and how hard. Then we kinda guess what it'll do tomorrow. It's one of the worst kept secrets in the world!" he told us in his British-Polish accent.

"Everyone figured that we haven't got a clue, but they couldn't prove it! But I'm tired of the lies, plus Hello offered me a shed load of cash to sell my story, so why not?" he continued.

Using simple techniques, such as 'phoning various ships out at sea to see what the weather is like, and looking out of the window, weathermen have been able to pull the wool over unsuspecting viewers' eyes by predicting what type of weather we will see in the coming days.

"It's fairly easy really," said Schafernaker "if its raining in Cornwall at 5 in the afternoon and the wind is fairly strong and Northerly, then the North will get some rain later in the night, or early morning! We also have certain terms so as to be as vague as possible, and therefore have no comeback on us for getting it wrong!"

"Typically I'd say something like, 'showers in the north will give way to brighter spells followed by a mostly pleasant day. But keep a brolly handy, because some of those showers could be heavier in places' so de-constructing that sentence, I've pretty much covered every base. I've said there'll be showers. Check. I've said it could be bright. Check. I've said it might be heavy rain. Check. I've also said it'll be a nice day. Check. No one can come back to us and complain that we got it wrong. In reality, we don't have a fucking clue!"

Television bosses have refused any official comment at this time, but insiders say they're not happy at all.

An insider told us "they're not happy! At all!"

Schafernaker also confirmed that the term 'squally showers' was indeed made up by legendary presenter Michael Fish, when he was challenged by his colleague Ian McCaskill to use a made up term to prove how gullible the public are.

"It sickens me how cocky the new presenters have become," said Fish from his retirement home in Skegness. "That term was supposed to be a two or three trick pony, but they're using it all the time now. Rubbing the public's face in it, because they don't understand it's meaning, and there's nothing they can do about it!"

In other news, the weather tomorrow will be mostly cloudy, with brighter spells in some areas giving way to bright sunshine. In places.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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