Written by Patti Cake
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Saturday, 20 October 2012

image for Downturn at Downton Abbey - Financial crisis can't even escape fictional historical drama
Mary, Edith and Sybil Grantham - in happier times!

Many viewers were shocked last Sunday at the appalling and unforeseen downturn that events took at Downton.

Firstly, doctor to the knobs Sir Philip was called in as opposed to the family doctor to attend the delivery of the Granthams' first grandchild and mixing with the knobs seemed to have gone to his brain because he couldn't stop talking about them (knobs that is - not brains) viz a viz an uppercrust patient of his having trouble conceiving who he was determined to "get a baby out of - come what may!" This he announced over dinner causing Lord G to splutter unceremoniously into his drink and announce that he would have to go for a lie down. Not content with that, when Matthew (creepy) Crawley cornered him on the stairs and confided that he and Lady Mary were having trouble conceiving Sir Philip asked him if his knob was functioning properly. It took thickie Crawley a fair few minutes to realize what the doctor was alluding to during which time his stupidly handsome face took on a dazed expression and he looked as if he was about to lose his balance and topple over. Sadly, he didn't.

Next shocker was Lady Mary using the 'B' word when sister-in-labour Sybil gasped between her contractions that she was determined to override her Irish navvy husband Tom's wishes and have the baby christened at Downton and not in Ireland.

Old maid Lady Edith was not to be left out. She announced at breakfast that her (writing) talents had been recognised by an editor of a tabloid newspaper in London and he had written promising her a column (is that what they called it in those days?). Although he had only just got up Lord G had to go and have ANOTHER lie down.

Downstairs at Downton the downturn continued.

Butler Carson's face was a picture (albeit of the Salvador Dali kind) when he was told that Mrs Crawley was employing a PROSTITUTE in her kitchen. There were hints of a love triangle between a footman and 2 maids and touching up of another kind between the male servants whilst winding the clocks.

As if we weren't traumatised enough tragic Lady Sybil died giving birth to a daughter also to be named Sybil. Is this the Sybil that grows up to marry a manic Torquay hotelier one wonders??

When writer Julian Fellowes was asked what on earth was going on he confessed he had writer's block and had written the episode after being out on a bender with E L James. E L had suggested that he spice things up a bit but sadly he admitted the result was more 'Carry On' than Lady Chatterley's Lover.

Thankfully viewers can look forward to a much 'cleaned-up' episode this Sunday.

All lines spoken by Lady Mary and containing the word 'Blimey' are to be re-written.

The scene with maid Anna and hubby Bates containing the line "I always told her that her pastry would be the death of someone it was so fucking flaky" to be cut.

The cliff-hangers will be:

Will Bate's face ever return to normal after the prostitute shocker?

How many inches will Lady Edith get?

and

Will Lord Grantham find another bed to lie on after grieving wife Cora banishes him to the dog basket?

BLIMEY!!!!

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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