Who's faster than a speeding bullet heading nowhere? Who's able to sink like a stone in a pond?
If you know someone like that, then Boston sports teams want your services. Boston's once glorious franchises are desperately looking for the right person to restore their luster, or at least to keep the tarnish to a minimum.
Right now the man on the radar screen was like a UFO this past week, tumbling from the heavens to the earth in one fell swoop. Yes, fans, this is the sort of man who belongs on either the Red Sox or New England Patriots.
Anyone who is willing to take a balloon into the stratosphere until his oxygen burns up and then jumps into the wild blue yonder is perfect for the Boston sports media.
Two teams that have gone from the stars to the ashcan need a man who knows how to fall down and keep going with miles to go before you sleep.
Forget the road not taken. The Red Sox are looking for any tried and tested way to reach their nadir. Baumgartner has seen the space junk and clunked into prairie dog town. Who can claim a better resume?
At present the Red Sox are interviewing men who know what it is like to be down so long that it looks like up to them. Baumgartner has them beat and should know how to lead the Sox. Put him on the interview carousel.
The Belichick Patriots have become the flotsam of the NFL, carried by the prevailing winds about as far from the Super Bowl as a team can go in one season. If any man knows a bit about living as jetsam in the jetstream, it's the aforementioned Felix Baumgartner.
If the Patriots or Red Sox don't work fast, Felix will end up as the jetsam for the Jets, or the pinstripe down the inseam of the Yankees.