Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Monday, 1 October 2012

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Kate Gosselin, 37, says she has fallen for Tom Cruise, 50.

HOLLYWOOD - Ever since breaking up with Russell Brand, Kate Gosselin says that she has been feeling quite depressed and trying to figure out how to deal with that empty feeling that she has inside.

She says that watching after her eight kids has helped but while they are in school she really feels lonely and watching Judge Judy, The View, and Live With Kelly & Michael does not help at all.

Kate dumped Brand six weeks ago after finding out that he and Kat Von D were caught underneath the Hollywood Sign engaged in a bit of belly bumping.

She said that she was devastated because Rusty had told her that she was one of the sexiest women that he had ever been with and he loved the fact that she was open to all of the sexual experiments that he asked her to participate in.

Kate "The Great" as ex-boyfriend Steven Tyler, former American Idol judge called her confided in her nanny Mindy Lulu Lickenfeister that after learning that Rusty cheated on her with that tattooed carnival sideshow skank that she thought about dumping him for two days.

She finally decided that she had no choice because she adheres to the old Argentinian axiom that "Once a cheater - always a damn, low-life, bottom-feeding, friggin, snake-in-the-grass cheater."

Kate even stated to the Tinsel Town entertainment media that she would never take Brand back and that she would rather date scummy, stupid, sarcastic jerks like Gilbert Gottfried and Jeff Ross.

Mrs. Gosselin shyly revealed that she has had a crush on the recently divorced Tom Cruise and pointed out that she fantasizes about him pretty much on a nightly basis.

In Political News. Las Vegas oddsmakers are currently giving 7 to 1 odds that Vice-President Joe "The Pit Bull" Biden will soundly defeat Paul "The Teacup Chihuahua" Ryan in their upcoming October 11, debate.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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