CHARLOTTESVILLE VA (ABSNN) - Playboy magazine released its annual list of the Nation's Top Ten Party Schools. The University of Virginia took top honors beating out such famous Animal Houses as University of Southern California, Los Angeles (2); the University of Florida, Gainesville (3); the University of Texas, Austin (4) and (a surprise) the University of Wisconsin, wherever the hell it is.
A news conference was held on Thursday where administrators, professors, alumni, and students spoke about being named the number one party school in the US.
"We at UVA are not at all impressed by this distinction," said Jefferson Davis IIV, Dean of Academics and Cultural Diversity.
"This distinguished university was founded by none other than Thomas Jefferson. President James Madison completed the university as it is now. They would not be impressed either," said Davis.
"I agree," said Rex Baumgartner, UVA Class of 59 (which one-1859 or 1959?).
"Our alumni want to be known for our minds, not our drunkenness, BBBUUURRRPPP! which is legendary," Baumgartner added, while chugging a 32 ounce Schlitz Malt Liquor.
Note: Baumgartner was arrested for urinating on a security guard during the tail-gate party prior to last Saturday's game against John Wayne University. (UVA Lost that game by forfeit when the team could not find the stadium because they were all drunk from Friday night's kegger.)
Melanie Griffith, great granddaughter of the late Andy Griffith, and Varsity Cheerleader, is the President of Alpalpha Smegma Tauta Sorority. She told us, "We do drink a bit on weekends, we serve Bloody Marys at breakfast, and there is booze at afternoon teas, at dinner, every night during dorm social hours and, occasionally at the voluntary Wednesday Chapel service, but no more-or less-than at any other university."
"Beer is such a common drink. Our UVA students are not at all common students. Beer is not served at any UVA dining facility," said Dr. Rand Paul who holds the John Birch Chair of Political Science.
"Students may bring their own libations (so long as it isn't beer, apparently), but we do not serve any beer on campus,' Paul said.
Students were pleased that Ohio State University was ranked tenth in the Playboy survey.
"At least we beat OSU at some damned thing," said Ms. Griffith.