Written by Simon Saunders
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Friday, 21 September 2012

image for Michael Winner "Almost Entirely Human" Claim Scientists
A type of Michael winner.

Scientists at Madeup University have made a discovery which is sure to dumbfound the whole of mankind.

Their discovery? Well I gave that away in the headline. In case you missed it, here it is again.

Michael Winner is almost entirely human.

Renowned food critic, film director and annoyer of many, Winner, 118, was subjected to a thorough examination by a team of scientists after he was accused of being an alien by a two bit writer who plys his trade writing nonsense.

We understand Mr Winner became tired of the stupid rumours circulating on the internet and decided to put a stop to it all by agreeing to be poked and prodded, internally and externally, by the scientists.

Mr Winner told us, "This chappie who was writing stuff about me just wouldn't let it go, like me and the Death Wish films. I called him a number of times and asked him to 'calm down dear' but that just seemed to exacerbate the problem. Finally I gave in and agreed to the probing. I've nothing to hide. Except for most of my awful films."

The scientist who led the tests, Professor Unnecessary, explained the procedure, "After being strapped to a hospital trolley, Mr Winner was sandblasted to remove all the crustations that had formed on his body over his 118 years on this planet. We then took him down to the local carwash to remove any unpleasant residue left after the sandblasting. Once this cleansing process was completed we moved on to our highly scientific testing methods. Basically we poked him a bit with some sticks we found in the university car park and took some x-rays. The x-rays came back completely normal, which astounded us as we were convinced he was an invertebrate. We also probed him internally to see if the rumours that he is full of shit were true. Unbelievably, these rumours are false. Mind you, we had a right laugh doing that bit of our highly scientific tests."

Professor Unnecessary did reveal one abnormality he and his team found. "We inspected his nipples and found two patches of fish scales instead. Very odd. This finding made it necessary to revise our preliminary conclusion from Mr Winner being entirely human to Mr Winner being almost entirely human. It's a fine line. You only have to look at the Lizard Queen Anne Robinson to work that one out."

The good Professor offered no real explanation for the fish scales. He also couldn't explain why Mr Winner has had such a long career. Although, to be fair, that subject isn't really his speciality.

Meanwhile, rumours that Mr Winner is planning on cashing in on his fishy nipples by releasing a film called 'Death Fish', have been denied by the man himself. In a statement he said, "I wouldn't be surprised if these rumours were started by the same idiot who reckons I'm an alien. It's just the sort of awful pun he would come up with. There's no chance of that film getting made. As if I'd associate myself with such a load of old tat. Absolutely not."

Since we spoke with Mr Winner he has announced filming will begin on his new film, 'Death Fish', in the spring of next year.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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