Written by Gail Farrelly
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Topics: School, Protest

Wednesday, 5 July 2006

image for Good Witch Glinda Protests Opening of Witch School

At the recent opening of a Witch School in Hoopeston, Illinois, there was an uninvited guest. If you can call her a guest, that is. To the school's faculty, she was an intruder. Glinda the Good Witch made a rare public appearance to protest what she called the "outrage" of creating an institutional setting in which to teach the art of witchcraft.

Holding a new conference on the steps of the school, Glinda looked quite delicious. She sported a short blond hairdo and wore a strapless pink tube dress by Donna Karan and stacked heels by Steve Madden. As she spoke about witchcraft in the 21st century, she looked younger, trimmer, and more fashionable than she did in 1939, in The Wizard of Oz. Sipping a vodka martini, she said, "I had to change with the times. Long pink gowns and heavy crowns just don't do it anymore."

"Witchcraft is not something you learn in a classroom," she explained, "especially
from a bunch of black-clothed, Gloomy-Gus types." With that, the head of the school, a serious young man in a black suit, approached Glinda and told her to move on. "Exhibit Number 1," she announced with a shrug, pointing at the intruder. "Oh well, we can fix that," she said, whipping out a lightweight, glowing wand from her Prada handbag, and using it to lightly tap the man on his head. Startled by the tap, the man froze for an instant, then smiled and broke into an Irish jig. After completing his performance, he walked away from Glinda and returned to the school building. He was still smiling. So was Glinda, as she nodded her head back and forth. "Men," she sighed. "Who needs them?"

At the end of the news conference, Glinda bid everyone goodbye and headed for her pink SUV. Years ago, she explained, she got around in a pink bubble; but since 9/11, she's stayed away from air travel. Next stop: Kansas, for a visit with Dorothy Gale. "She doesn't get around that well anymore," Glinda said mournfully. "All that clicking of heels. It's finally caught up with her."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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