HOLLYWOOD - Simon Cowell, the Englishman with the golden touch when it comes to television reality shows was sitting in his X-Factor dressing room smoking a Marlboro and drinking a glass of Lowenbrau Beer.
He was asked by Yippee-Ki-Yay Magazine's Buck Yazoo how he feels about the new season of X-Factor.
Simon, who is known as The Count of Criticism, stated that he is thrilled with his two new female judges Britney "The Biscuit" Spears and Demi "Giggles" Lovato.
He said that Britney is a whole lot prettier than Paul Abdul and Demi cries a whole lot less than Nicole Scherzinger.
When asked about L.A. Reid, Simon simply said that Reed is Reed. He added that L.A. is kind of like Randy "The Dawg" Jackson except that he wears a fancy as heck suit, and does not use ghetto words like "yo, yo, yo," "pitchy," and "dawg."
Yazoo told him that "pitchy" is not a ghetto word. The Baron of Bitterness got a bit flustered and said that the word "pitchy" most certainly is a ghetto word and that it comes from the ghetto phrase, "Hey brutha, pitch me dat can of Bud yo."
Yazoo shook his head and did not bother arguing with the Viceroy of Venom.
He asked Simon that out of President Obama and GOP candidate Mitt Romney which is the better singer.
The British Bulldog did not miss a Baltimore beat and replied, "President Obama by a mile. I have heard the president sing and he is really quite good. I have also heard Romney sing and let me say that it sounded like a goose French kissing a porcupine. If I can be honest, it was HOR-REN-DOUS!"
SIDENOTE: Cowell wanted to dispel the rumors that he and Britney Spears are having an affair. "Simple" Simon smiled coyly and replied that he is so busy he does not have time for a one night stand much less a high maintenance young woman like Britney.