Written by Gail Farrelly
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Topics: Tourists, The View

Thursday, 29 June 2006

image for Barbara Walters Vs. Star Jones, Backstage Brawl

A group of tourists from Kansas got more than they bargained for backstage at The View this week when they witnessed a physical confrontation between dueling divas Star Jones and Barbara Walters. Apparently at first Barbara and Star merely hurled verbal insults at each other. Then, all of a sudden, an out and out catfight erupted.

According to eyewitness Bertha Busybody of Topeka, things really heated up when Ms. Jones, who is an attorney, threatened to sue Ms. Walters. Actually what Star said, Ms. Busybody reports, was: "I'm going to sue the pants off your skinny behind." Barbara replied, "Well at least mine was skinny to begin with, not like the huge caboose you carried around with you for years and just finally unloaded." Apparently that was when Ms. Jones lost it and took a swing at Ms. Walters. Bertha, making two fists and pummeling them back and forth as she spoke to The Spoof reporter, admitted that it was the first time she had ever seen two females really go at it. "Yikes! It was quite a sight!" she said.

Barry Busybody, Bertha's teenaged son, announced that the catfight was the highlight of his New York trip. Much better than the Empire State Building (too static) and head and shoulders above the Museum of Natural History (too old). Barry was quite impressed with the left hook of Ms. Walters. "For an old lady, she packs quite a punch. And Star gave it right back. When she grabbed Barbara's head and yanked out a big chunk of hair, it was awesome man, like totally awesome."

One of the security guards called to separate the combatants was heard complaining to his partner, "I have a college degree in Homeland Security and this is what I get stuck doing." And the two janitors assigned the job of mopping up the blood and silicone weren't happy either. They did, however, share a laugh when one of them suggested that ABC could add a new show to its lineup: Backstage at the View. "Good idea," his partner replied. "THIS is where all the action is. Reminds me of that old show on PBS. You know the one, Upstairs, Downstairs."

On the bus home to Kansas, Claudia Cynicali of Kansas City summed up the ugly incident this way: "The feud is a big act. It's a plea for publicity. Just wait and see. Next year at this time they'll be touting a big 'Barbara and Star Reunion' Special."

Stay tuned.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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