Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Thursday, 30 August 2012

image for Christina Aguilera's Confession
Christina usually eats 5 SLT's (Shark, Lettuce, and Tomato) sandwiches daily.

LOS ANGELES - Christina Aguilera lately seems to be in the news more because of her weight gain than because of her singing or her participation on The Voice.

Aguilera recently confessed to her hair stylist FuFi Fondue that she is getting tired of being on The Voice and having to argue with Blake "The Drugstore Cowboy" Shelton, Adam "Jagger" Levine, and Ceelo "The Chubby Chump."

Christina, revealed that she really and truly believes that part of her weight gain problem is due to the fact that the three male coaches put her through a lot of stress, which results in her becoming nervous, which causes her to eat a whole lot more than she should.

Aguilera said that sometimes she does not realize it but she eats a 12-piece bucket of Captain Cluckity Cluck Clucks Chicken all by herself in her dressing room.

She told Fondue off-the-record that if the hostile environment of the show does not end she will end up either kicking three arrogantly sarcastic butts or she will simply just walk off the show.

The hair stylist to the stars, FuFi Fondue, noted that Chris-Ag is the only cast member who has a clause written into her contract that says that she can up and leave the show anytime she feels like it.

Christina proudly bragged that Adam, Blake, and Ceelo do not have that clause in their contracts and if they walk out on the show they can be apprehended, taken to jail, and fined up to $35,000.

In Political News. Ron Paul is furious that his GOP votes were not acknowledged by being called out at the Republican National Convention like Mitt Romney's were. He angrily said that he is voting for President Obama and he will ask his wife Carol to vote for Obama as well.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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