As the internet was last night swamped with rumours regarding an alleged affair between Welsh Diva Katherine Jenkins and underpant pin-up boy, David Beckham, former minder to the stars, Reg Bond, from Burnley dismissed the rumours as 'rubbish.'
Speaking from his shared room in a Duke Bar B&B for the 'down on their luck' as he sparked a roll-up and swigged from a litre bottle of Broight Loightnin cider, Reg Bond issued the following statement to Skoob Entertainment News:
"This Beckham Jenkins thing is a right load of old bollocks. And I can say that with some authority."
Upon being asked to clarify his statement, Bond, clearly agitated, if his trembling hands were any indication, added:
"The truth of it is, that Katherine only has, and only ever will have, eyes for me. Poor lass is besotted wi' me. Just like Lady GaGa, Beyonce, Jodie Marsh, and Jordan.
"All this Beckham talk is nonsense. It were me she were after. It all started when I minded her on a tour down under..."
Reg Bond then went on to describe how he and a young Katherine Jenkins often went out strolling together in the early hours after the young diva had finished performing at the Sydney Opera House, and of how they'd surreptitiously share a pie and peas supper from a street vendor in the city's Kings Cross district.
"We were sitting on a park bench one night," Bond said. "Eating pie and peas out of a polystyrene tray with a plastic fork. And right out of the blue, she turned round and told me that she loved me, and that there could never be another. She were only young, God love her. I remember telling her at the time that I wasn't the true love of her life. I remember telling her not to be so silly, that I was just a childish infatuation, and that she'd find true love soon enough. I remember it like it was yesterday. I remember telling her not to fall in love with David Beckham, because he's a married man, or Gary Glitter, cause he's just weird.
"I also told her to avoid that Pete Doherty and that Blake Fielder-Civil like the plague. Then she sort of said that she had a bit of a crush on The Edge out of U2, but I told her he was too old for her.
"Anyway, it turned out that she only had eyes for me. Not David Beckham. She doesn't even like football - more of a rugby girl really. Can I have me fee now? Only Paraffin Pete's waiting for me down at the Talbot, and I owe him a tenner..."
More as we get it.