Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Monday, 20 August 2012

image for Charlie Sheen Comforts Evelyn Lozada
Evelyn says that she definitely wants custody of their pet parrot "Twitter Bird."

LOS ANGELES - Charlie Sheen has certainly seen his share of ups and downs on the roller coaster of the marital world.

Sheen confessed to Barbara Walters on The View that many times in his marriages and/or relationships he has felt like he was nothing more than a pin cushion.

Walter's asked him about the rumor that he had been seen at Santa Monica Pier walking hand in hand with Evelyn Lozada, the estranged wife of former Miami Dolphins wide receiver Chad Johnson, AKA Chad Ochocinco.

Charlie, known as "The Space Cadet" blushed and said that the rumor is not a rumor but in fact it is a fact. Walter's shook her head and asked him if he was trying to confuse her.

Elisabeth Hasselbeck remarked that he had definitely confused her. And Joy Behar quipped that a bag of Fritos could confuse Lizzy.

Whoopi Goldberg laughed and added that Hassy is such a prude that she thinks that the missionary position is a clerical job in Africa.

Sheen looked puzzled and asked if everyone could get their act together and refocus on him since he was in fact the featured guest.

Joy Behar told him not to get all huffy because huffiness is one trait that can sink a damn ship quicker than a rock, an iceberg, or a U-2 submarine.

Charlie apologized and revealed that he had called up Evelyn and invited her out to dinner since he knew that she was probably feeling as worthless as a Confederate one dollar bill.

He also told her that he did not want her to spend her nights crying all alone and thinking that maybe the fact that her husband had a case of Glow-In-The-Dark Condoms in the trunk of his car could somehow be her fault.

SIDENOTE: Charlie pointed out that he and Evelyn just sat underneath the Santa Monica Pier talking about politics, the recent London Olympics, and Vanessa Bryant, Kobe's estranged wife.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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